Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 217

I was arrested today for scalping low numbers at the deli. Sold number 3 for 28 bucks.

My neighbor complains every time my girlfriend and I have sex. We're not even that loud. But he used to date my girlfriend.

Republicans have become the party of red, white and blue rose colored glasses. By drowning out criticism with USA! USA!, they prevent this country from healing itself where it needs healing, and that is the opposite of Country First.

It's later than it's ever been.

Whoever coined the term “Buyer Beware” was probably bleeding from the asshole.

Common sense dictates the term "hot fudge sundae" has a totally different meaning in prison.

I was just surprised when my wife told me we were having a baby. I was like, "Wow, that's awesome. You're going to make a great single mom."

Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

I like bourbon, any other detail beyond that is going to make me seem like a drunk.

Maybe he's my good luck charm.

I wouldn't dignify that with a response.

I hate sandwiches at New York delis. Too much meat on the sandwich. It's like a cow with a cracker on either side. "Would you like anything else with the pastrami sandwich?" "Yeah, a loaf of bread and some other people!"

To be or... Line!

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

Allow me to expose my colon once again. The ramification inflicted on the incision placed within the Fallopian cavities serves to be holistic taken from the Latin word "jalapeno".