Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 217
You know what offends me? Offended people. In a country with guaranteed rights to freedom of religion, its citizens are constantly trying to make faith in public spheres illegal, I am offended by that contradiction and want to talk about it as a comic.
I once called my mother during a hurricane. She got on the phone and said, "I can't talk to you, Joey, the lines are down."
I've always thought having a kid that played soccer would be the worst punishment. After watching 3 min of water polo I stand corrected.
Is world peace possible or is the human race too innately aggressive? For instance: Have you ever seen women at a sample sale?
The difference being that a nerd would wear a D&D shirt because he loves D&D while a hipster would wear a D&D shirt because it’s ridiculous that he is wearing a D&D shirt.
I like bourbon, any other detail beyond that is going to make me seem like a drunk.
Start each day out the holy way..with Christ Chex, it's a miracle in a bowl. Just open the box and you hear AHHHHH... and then a lil' angel flies out and says 'good morning, life is beautiful!'
I'd walk into the school, smell that institutional smell of the tomato soup, peanut butter, disinfectant, and boys room. Pass the lunchroom, see the familiar lunchroom lady with the white dress and net on her hair. At the end of 50 years of distinguished service the Board of Education gives her a bronze net – with her name on it. It stems from the Board of Education rule to keep her hair out of the food.
Common sense dictates the term "hot fudge sundae" has a totally different meaning in prison.
There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
This isn’t a bra, it’s body armor. And this isn’t make up, it’s war paint.
I was just surprised when my wife told me we were having a baby. I was like, "Wow, that's awesome. You're going to make a great single mom."
The worst thing that can happen to a comedian is to do a documentary on your life and you're watching it with an audience and there's not a laugh.
No one is questioning the nobility and honor of these men and women that are serving and what they're doing. No one questions that. Now they're targets and they're not going out, they're just protecting each other and they're in the middle of a civil war. So it's really not fair to have these people, who volunteered their lives to protect our nation under false pretenses, to now be targets.