Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 218
Allow me to expose my colon once again. The ramification inflicted on the incision placed within the Fallopian cavities serves to be holistic taken from the Latin word "jalapeno".
I sang a song at my sister's wedding. My mother forced me into that, too. But that one felt all right.
It's kind of funny how that happened. When I was a child, I had a dream of one day becoming very influential and being in the entertainment world. I really wanted badly for that to happen, and in the last couple of years, my manager told me I was nominated for the group of the Most Influential Vietnamese-American Individuals in the world, along with generals and ambassadors and surgeons. It's an honor. It's mind-boggling. I'm a college dropout; I'm a high school failure, someone who came from a homeless background, but I understand the American pop culture and doing comedy from my heart led me to be in the Smithsonian Institute in Washington, D.C.
I went whale watching once. It was very similar to watching people on a boat become disappointed.
I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!
I was visiting my parents, and I walked into a room where my father was watching a Peter Falk movie on TV... I think it was 'The Cheap Detective.' Anyway, my father was belly-laughing, and he never really did that. I thought, 'If Peter Falk can make my dad laugh, then I'm going to come up with a movie in which Peter Falk plays my father.'
I never learn. Like a waitress will bring my meal. "Hey, enjoy your meal." "You, too. But you don’t have one, do ya? I’m a dufus. If you do eat enjoy it when you eat it if you have a break or something, later. If you get an opportunity." That’s all I’m trying to say.
The consumer mentality - we like something, what other flavor does it come in? We like that TV show, does it come in a book form? Does it come in a capsule? How about a soup?
I went to a bar for a few drinks. The bartender asked what I wanted. "Surprise me", I said. So he showed me a naked picture of my wife.
It is some beautiful women in Atlanta. Well, let me tell you, I don’t, I don’t know what ya’ll doing in the water, oh, you women down here are so fine, you can look at a woman with your girl, she would be like, yeah, you’re right, go ahead. She is gorgeous, do it, that’s it, that’s all you get.
Unfortunately, there are no mulligans when it comes to pro football contracts.
Let’s not pretend that anyone in here likes Nebraska. Have you ever wondered why theres storm chasers? An hour in Omaha and I’m looking for a tornado to take me any place. Get me the hell out of there, uh, no wonder there all fat it’s so they’ll stay on the ground.