Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 216
I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
Clothing sizes are weird, they go: small, medium, large and then extra large, extra extra large, extra extra extra large. Something happened at large, they just gave up. They were like, 'I'm not doing any more adjectives; you just keep putting extras on there.' We could do better than that: small, medium, large, whoa, easy, slow down, stop it, interesting, American.
You know what offends me? Offended people. In a country with guaranteed rights to freedom of religion, its citizens are constantly trying to make faith in public spheres illegal, I am offended by that contradiction and want to talk about it as a comic.
This isn’t a bra, it’s body armor. And this isn’t make up, it’s war paint.
Man says to his wife: ‘Pack your bags, I’ve won the pools.’ She says: ‘What should I pack? Something light, something warm? Where are we going?’ He says: ‘We’re going nowhere. Just pack your bags and fuck off.’
I've been to Japan, I've been to China, I've been to Africa, I've been to the Middle East, I've been to Europe a little bit. I've never been to South America.
There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
The worst thing that can happen to a comedian is to do a documentary on your life and you're watching it with an audience and there's not a laugh.
What lazy SOB invented the Clapper? What do I have to invent so I don’t have to get off my lazy butt and go over and flip that light switch. My father had a Clapper 30 years ago - me.
I once called my mother during a hurricane. She got on the phone and said, "I can't talk to you, Joey, the lines are down."
Now... just wait a minute. Did I start talking Portuguese up here and not realize it?
What a dog I got. I tried to mate her - she wants 50 biscuits.