Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 216
Latinos outnumber Black people now. I’m not too happy about it. Because it’s only a matter of time before we lose our month. Soon as they figure it out, they’re going to have Latino History Month. All we’re going to have is Cinco de Negro.
I went to a bar for a few drinks. The bartender asked what I wanted. "Surprise me", I said. So he showed me a naked picture of my wife.
We should have a way of telling people they have bad breath without hurting their feelings. "Well, I'm bored. Let's go brush our teeth." Or, "I've got to make a phone call. Hold this gum in your mouth."
One of the gigantic lobsters has demolished our last camera with a single swipe of its horrible claw! Now it's moving toward me! It's fifteen feet away. Ten! I can see the long, quivering antennae! The slimy legs! Its snout and claws, glistening with human bloo...
I get up and a button falls off, I pick up my briefcase and the handle falls off I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
I'm a 7 o'clock act. My people want to go to a show, a dinner and then go home and go to bed.
Because it's uncensored cable, I think we'll be able to do the kind of sketch comedy that really hasn't been seen before. We can actually finish jokes.
At least black people knew when they were slaves; you remain clueless.
That's not a stereotype - French people reek. French people don't wash their ass. We wash our ass in this country. That should be our logo: 'The United States of America: We wash our ass.'
I'm getting a hair cut this weekend and I'm gonna tell the guy straight up, "No fuckin' around make my hair shorter than when I came in!"
My son's always showing me pictures of dinosaurs and asking me what their names are. I dont know so I make stuff up: That son is a thesaurus.
I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.