Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 305

Have you ever experienced a pain so sharp in your heart that it's all you can do to take a breath? It's a pain you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy; you wouldn't want to pass it on to anyone else for fear he or she might not be able to bear it. It's the pain of being betrayed by a person with whom you've fallen in love. It's not as serious as death, but it feels a whole lot like it, and as I've come to learn, pain is pain any way you slice it.

The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.

You have to break in half to love somebody.

The bravest thing that men do is love women.

Happiness comes in small doses folks. It's a cigarette butt, or a chocolate chip cookie or a five second orgasm. You come, you smoke the butt you eat the cookie you go to sleep wake up and go back to fucking work the next morning, that's it! End of fucking list!

Just ten of the Jewish billionaires on this earth have more than enough to transform the occupied territories into heaven. We can put the 'pal' back in Palestinian.

I don't like the whole blowing the candles out ritual... blowing their germs all over the cake. If I want to catch something on my birthday. I don't want it to be from the cake. If you know what I'm saying...

Whatever you do to gain success, you have to hang in there and hope good things happen. Always think positive.

All my humor is based upon destruction and despair. If the whole world were tranquil, without disease and violence, I'd be standing on the breadline right in back of J. Edgar Hoover.

Cakes are the only food we write on. It’s always so encouraging like “Happy Birthday Leo,” “Congratulations Eric.” I feel like we’re missing an opportunity. I’m talking about negative cakes - “Surprise, You’re Adopted.” Cause that’s when you want cake.

Choosing to have a child you can't take care of is like farting in an elevator. Sure you got it out, but not it's everyone else's problem.

There's a lot of racism going on. Who's more racist, black people or white people? It's black people! You know why? Because we hate black people too! Everything white people don't like about black people, black people really don't like about black people.

For me, the greatest hurdle to success has always been failure.

I don't like pinatas because the pinata promotes violence against flamboyant animals.

Tony Adams, on his first day in prison, was complaining because he wanted the walls back 12 yards.