Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 304
There's a guy in the audience with a distinctive laugh. I hope that guy is miked. The only problem with having a distinctive laugh is I know exactly when that guy isn't laughing. "Oh, distinctive laugh doesn't think that joke was funny!"
I was staying at a hotel and I asked for a wake up call… the next morning the phone rang and someone said “What are you doing with your life?” I’m up!
I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.
When I was first divorced, I started dating younger women, and it was really exciting. But after a while I was like, 'This is just dumb.'
There's a saying that goes, 'People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.' OK. How about, 'Nobody should throw stones'? That's crappy behavior. My policy is, 'No stone throwing regardless of housing situation.'
On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.
When we save the rain forest, the polar bear, and Al Gore, we should party so hard that Canada calls the cops on us for noise.
I'd like to get more bit-acting roles. I don't know if my talent would allow for a long dialogue, but I could definitely knock out three lines. I'd kill it.
If I had a bookstore I would make all the mystery novels hard to find.
I think statues are great; they show what great people would look like if a bird shit all over them.
The devil is not abroad at night in the form of a cat or a wolf or any other animal. He lives eternally in the hearts of men.