Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 304
Have you ever experienced a pain so sharp in your heart that it's all you can do to take a breath? It's a pain you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy; you wouldn't want to pass it on to anyone else for fear he or she might not be able to bear it. It's the pain of being betrayed by a person with whom you've fallen in love. It's not as serious as death, but it feels a whole lot like it, and as I've come to learn, pain is pain any way you slice it.
Coconut milk is the only thing on this planet that comes identically to mother's milk.
I had already made a decision early on that I would be a plain girl with tons of personality, and accepting it made everything a lot easier. If you are lucky, there is a moment in your life when you have some say as to what your currency is going to be. I decided early on it was not going to be my looks. I have spent a lifetime coming to terms with this idea and I would say I am about 15 to 20 percent there….Decide what your currency is early. Let go of what you will never have. People who do this are happier and sexier.
I wouldn't mind paying taxes - if I knew they were going to a friendly country.
Big news on CNN, a search has uncovered illegal biochemical agents, toxins and other dangerous substances. Not in Iraq, in Rush Limbaugh's medicine cabinet.
I spoke to my dad, and he said it took close to 90 dollars to raise me. But that was me and my sister, and my sister moved out when she was 16, so sometimes it can knock you up to triple digits to raise a kid.
Just saw a woman with a big tattoo of Jesus on her back. I guess it's an ixnay on the oggy style-day.
There were two Republican responses to the State of the Union. So if you watched the whole night, it was kind of evolution in reverse. You have Obama, then Paul Ryan, and then Michele Bachmann. Then Animal Planet had a squirrel monkey give his take.
I sat down and wrote some jokes and went to the talent show, got up on stage, fell in love with it and never turned back.
There is no such thing as an impartial jury because there are no impartial people. There are people that argue on the web for hours about who their favorite character on "Friends" is.
I think what's dangerous is the idea that someone can wash away your sins.
I even enjoy watching people make food. But you ever notice the Food Network is far more interesting when you're hungry? When you're full you're like "This is stupid..." But when you are hungry the Food Network's like porn. You're like "Oh yeah...whip it up baby! Make it for me!" It is a little embarassing when someone catches you watching the Food Network..."What are you watching?" "Uh, the Food Network..." "Well, why are you pants off?" "I like food...a lot."