Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 306
There’s no such thing as soy milk. It’s soy juice. But they couldn’t sell soy juice, so they called it soy milk. Because anytime you say soy juice, you actually start to gag… We all know there’s no soy milk? Because there’s no soy titty, is there?
Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.
If God didn’t want us to eat meat, he would have made cows run faster. Anything you can hunt by tiptoeing up to it and hitting in the head with a rock deserves to be dinner.
If we can teach sign language to monkeys, then shouldn't deaf people be awesome at gymnastics?
I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn't enough.
From now on, we`re home schooling you. Whatever we don`t know, you don`t know. When did the Korean War start? I don`t know, and neither do you!
Suicide fucking bombing, there's a bright idea. Every time there's a bang, the world's a wanker short.
I come in the house soaking wet and am greeted by "Is it raining?" "Nope, decided to take the fish for a walk". Here's your sign!
At the Academy Award Dinners all the actors and actresses in Hollywood gather around to see what someone else thinks about their acting besides their press agents.
What can you say in America? Can I say Priscilla Presley has a big butt? Will I have to prove it in a court of law? Hey, Priscilla, you wanna back it on in here, huh? If she can fit in the witness chair we'll drop, Your Honor.