Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 352

Every fight is a food fight when you're a cannibal.

Boogie, boogie, aw yeah, Robo-Boogie.

According to doctors, George Bush has the lowest heartbeat ever recorded by someone in the White House. Well, second lowest. Dick Cheney got his down to zero a couple of times.

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.

You might be a redneck if you own a Waffle House credit card.

There are all sorts of books offering advice on how to deal with life-threatening situations, but where's the advice on dealing with embarrassing ones?

You loan your friend money. You see them again, they don't say nothin' 'bout the money. 'Hi, how ya doin'? How's ya mama doing?' Man, how's my money doin'?

Drinking, eating, shopping, revenge, rebound sex, drugs or whatever your poison may be will number the pain - but that's all.

You know my father's favorite game? "Come here and pull my finger."

I was drinking tea the other day, and I thought: they used to fight wars over this.

But look at the people who use [their potential] — who do actually give it everything... The Beckhams or Roy Keanes of this world. People charging! Running up and down the field, swearing and shouting at each other. Are they happy? No! They're destroying themselves! Who's happy? You! The fat fucks watching them, with a beer can balanced on your ninth belly, roaring advice at the best athletes in the world. "YOU WANKER!"

Imagine going in knowing that no Mexican American before you had ever succeeded in a lead role.

He's a real loser. He moved into a new neighborhood and got run over by the Welcome Wagon.

I hate when men think that money is gonna buy you happiness... I mean, it helps.

Comic-Con starts today. It’s a four-day celebration of science fiction and comics. Every year, an army of geeks descends on San Diego. If you live anywhere other than San Diego and you need a computer fixed, you’re screwed.