Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 352

I am in the Master of Professional Writing program teaching Humor Writing, Literary and Dramatic.

I was driving back from Delaware to New York. Don't bother.

When someone's running late through an airport, I hope they miss their flight so they can meet the love of their life at the duty free shop.

Making people laugh is what I've been doing since I was like four or five years old. I still have a lust, I still have a passion. I don't care about how I look, I'm dedicated to the laughs.

Ladies, apologies, but isn't 'vintage' just used stuff?

Now I got a time machine at home. It only goes foreword at regular speed. It's essentially a cardboard box and on the outside I wrote time machine in sharpie.

I was lying, of course: that's what parents do best.

You need to open up your soul and have a weep-a-thon.

If I'm really considering doing film from now on then that is the smart thing to do, or you can go either way. You can just do the same character over and over again and make a different comedy like over and over again.

In the distance, Bo saw a fairy. A fairy so beautiful that he felt proud of being called one in high school.

High Times magazine is a notch intellectually below Highlights for Children. I mean, they're both great to read when you're baked, but come on, ya know...

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.

Being a Jewish comic today is a lot different than it was years ago. In fact I changed my name from Dudy to David when I first started to make my name less ethnic. Years later, agents urged me to change my name to something shorter and less Jewish and I told them I had already done that.

Sex education may be a good idea in the schools, but I don't believe the kids should be given homework.

I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.