Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 353

Well, once I fried tofu and put Sriracha on it. After that I was so depressed I swore off preparing food for myself altogether.

The worst thing I’m going to do is have dinner without you.

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.

Time machine... wouldn't you like to travel through time? I would. I'd go back... mess with people. You know what I would do? I would go back to when my mom and dad were having sex, to have me. Ya'know, come in, spank my dad on the ass "I'm your son from the future! Ahaha!"

Sophisticated people invest their money in stock portfolios. Rednecks invest their money in commemorative plates.

My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.

According to doctors, George Bush has the lowest heartbeat ever recorded by someone in the White House. Well, second lowest. Dick Cheney got his down to zero a couple of times.

Guys play characters that won't grow up and something catastrophic happens and they have to grow up to save the day - that's pretty much what today's comedy is about.

There's nothing like a hardship song to set my toes a-tappin.

I love people, I love studying people more than history. So whatever situation I see, then I look at, what were the people like, more than history itself.

The nice thing about Viagra is that they are proving men can go blind on it, so you can gain weight and have a great sex life.

They say that the Olympics is going to rekindle English national pride. I mean, for £9.2 billion they could have written “Fuck off Germany” onto the moon.

I've got an accountant who's been with me forty years. If he makes a mistake, he dies.

I know there are kids out there, I want to make sure they all know that driving without braking is not something I recommend, unless you have professional clown training or a comedy background, as I do. It is not something I plan to make a habit.

A bunch of bong-smoking, America-bashing, flag-burning, yoga-posing, incense-burning, dolphin-saving, salmon-eating hypocrites. These are the sensitive, liberal people who are always yelling about people's freedom of speech and expression, unless you happen to say something that pisses them off.