Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 353

Comic-Con starts today. It’s a four-day celebration of science fiction and comics. Every year, an army of geeks descends on San Diego. If you live anywhere other than San Diego and you need a computer fixed, you’re screwed.

Don't like when sports interviewers force answers: "Are you dedicating this game to your sick grandmother?" What's the guy supposed to say?

He's an agent now. He must know talent. He gave up acting.

Making people laugh is what I've been doing since I was like four or five years old. I still have a lust, I still have a passion. I don't care about how I look, I'm dedicated to the laughs.

When people come to see my stand-up, they get a chance to see my characters interact with each other. I enjoy pushing my characters to the limit. No matter how far out there I go, I look for things that make the characters human. While many comics have a secret persona, I fundamentally want to be myself.

What is dumber than a blind person with a gun? The idiot who handed them the gun. Where do you hide from a blind person with a gun? How do you make a noise that ain't like a rabbit?

Is it better to be the lover or the loved one? Neither, if your cholesterol is over six hundred. By love, of course, I refer to romantic love - the love between man and woman, rather than between mother and child, or a boy and his dog, or two headwaiters.

There's always someone in every group of friends that nobody likes.

It's kind of a dream come true, because we've always loved these films. We've loved this character, and now we have the opportunity to not remake the movie, but to play these characters. It's like playing Hamlet.

Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain.

Don't fucking work hard you die at the end, didn't anyone ever tell you that?

The circus goes from town to town, so why run away to join it? It should be, "I've decided to wait for the circus to come."

Once I was having lunch in a fancy restaurant with Lily Tomlin and Richard Pryor. We were all struggling comics together and the day we had lunch, any one of us could have picked up the check. That's when I knew I'd made it.

My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit down.

He laid into me with the same gusto as a right-wing political pundit on the O'Reilly Factor defending President's Bush right to vacation six days out of the week.