Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 351
If you were the only person left on the planet, I would have to attack you. That's my job.
Wrestling’s like Broadway for Hillbillies. It’s the third-favorite white-trash pastime behind incest and NASCAR.
I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you're saying: 'Hope I don't get chased today.' 'Be nice to people in sneakers.'
I'm quietly becoming New York's premiere actor. People don't understand. They have me pigeon-holed as a comedian.
The Beatles created something that never trailed off. What a gift that was to their fans. If you're into the Beatles, you loved them from beginning to end.
That woman in the shampoo commercial - she's happy. She's... she's too happy.
I`ve got two children. To be honest I always wanted 3 children.<br /> Now I`ve got two, I only want one.
Now I don't have anything against Mexican people, but for God's sakes, sign the gust book on the way in.
I knew the minute I met my wife, I looked at her and said, 'Oh my God, that is the woman I'm going to spend the next four to seven years with.'
Creative people don't behave very well generally. If you're looking for examples of good relationships in show business, you're gonna be depressed real fast. I don't have time for anything else right now but work and my daughter. She's my first priority.
Passion always finds a way. Follow your passion and everything else will work out.
Ladies, I will fuck you with my second place chess trophy. I have a first place chess trophy but the second place has the bishop on top - and that is for you.
Humans cannot produce viable offspring with our closest animal cousin: the chimpanzee. We cannot impregnate a chimp. So you know what that means? No condoms.
Well, once I fried tofu and put Sriracha on it. After that I was so depressed I swore off preparing food for myself altogether.