Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 351
A sports bar is a way to take a bar and fill it with even more annoying people than usual.
There's a lot of cynicism. Let's really enjoy Christmas, with all that's going on in the world.
If you don't believe in yourself, then who will believe in you? The next man's way of getting there might not necessarily work for me, so I have to create my own ways of getting there.
In my experience, it's all wonderful with girls until about 16. Around that time, boys kind of calm down and start focusing their testosterone. Girls get a little challenging, especially for fathers.
I'm quietly becoming New York's premiere actor. People don't understand. They have me pigeon-holed as a comedian.
They called me mad... But it was I - yes I - who discovered the link between excessive masturbation and entry into politics!
Why don't you click your heels three times and go back to Africa.
With a black president, I can relax... I can dance in public... I can buy a whole watermelon now.
I knew that I'd lived in New York too long when, a few years ago, I was on a subway going downtown, and it stopped at 14th Street. At the station, the doors opened, and the conductor announced that there was a bomb on board and we should evacuate immediately. Nobody moved. We just looked at each other, 'Do you see a bomb?' 'I don't see a bomb.' 'There’s no bomb.' 'I've only got two stops - let's go for it.'
Why do they call that funny little statue a bust when it stops right before the part of the body that it's named after?
I don’t believe in premature ejaculation. If I come, it was right on time.
You might be a redneck if your momma calls you over to help, cause she has a flat tire on her house.
What's so touching is the way we fight the war right until the moment our business is taken care of and then we turn on a dime and we immediately start taking care of people. It's like a shock and aw shucks campaign.
Christmas is a time for joy, love and peace. And a giant spike in the suicide rate. My father had all the christmas joy sucked out of him by his cruel, vindictive mother because his drunken partying father sucked all the christmas joy out of her. Fa la la la la, la la la la.