Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 442

Great Canadian comics are often outsiders and insiders at the same time. That's a great perspective for a comedian.

I don’t know what Tracy Morgan does on stage, but I can assure you it’s no act.

If it's all white, it's all right!

Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.

I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher"!

If you’re able to build from your falls you’ll be unstoppable and damn near fearless. You see, every time you fall down and get back up, you add another piece of body armor to yourself. You learn what not to do, how to do better, and how to create comfort through practice.

So … uh … I'd better explain the tits. Um … didn't have those at school. Wanted to, but not in the school curriculum … even though I asked.

Freebase? What's free about it?

I don't believe in right or left; I don't believe in Santa or Satan. I believe in things I can touch - like vodka and Oreos.

I want to get away from it all. Move to the sticks. Montana. Hundreds of miles from civilization. Get a cabin in the snow. Curl up with some cute girl. Say stuff to her like, "Scream all you want, sugar. Ain’t nobody gonna hear you!"

It's impossible for me to hear the words "quadruple murder suicide" without thinking of my grandparents.

The last jobs I had were fixing cars and covering football games for a local access TV station. As in driving the mobile van to the field, setting up 3 cameras, teaching depressed grownups and interns how to use them and directing the game from the van and then wanting to kill myself.

My husband and I didn't sign a pre-nuptial agreement. We signed a mutual suicide pact.

It's definitely a relief that it's over. It's been a long season for us, with ups and downs. But we're going to put it behind us now and we've got to try and be a better team.

In addition to listening to the audience’s laugh, you want to listen to their silence. Is it bored or interested silence? The silence is quieter and filled with energy when they’re interested. You can hear a pin drop. When they’re bored, you can always hear it.