Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 443
In a blackout, a Polish man was stuck on an escalator for two hours. I asked him "Why didn't you walk down?" He said, "because I was going up!"
My mother was supportive without knowing it. Deep down she wanted all the right things, she just didn't see the world like I did, and she's not supposed to.
It's the competition that I think is weird. They're not lifting weights. It's like, 'Alright, Kalkrovich, we fill these grand pianos with molten lead. See how many you can hurl in that third story window in 30 seconds.'
As far as your personal goals are and what you actually want to do with your life, it should never have to do with the government. You should never depend on the government for your retirement, your financial security, for anything.
Sometimes they give you their name when you call information. It's like, 'Thanks for calling 411. This is Wanda, may I help you?' You're gonna go, 'Wanda Matzger from Verona High School in New Jersey?' 'No.' 'Oh, OK. That would have been really weird. Sorry.'
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
I’m not a racist or misogynist person, but I find these jokes funny, so I say them.
To be diagnosed was the hardest thing because I didn't know what they were talking about... And the doctor said, "Don't worry, in three months you'll know." So I went about my business and then, one day, it jumped me. I couldn't get up... Your muscles trick you; they did me.
I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they’re just as scared of me.
Do no touch my TV, my CD, my DVD, my VHS, my old school, my new school. Got it?
It's just a campy blast. I just want to do as little as I can and make it good, and try not to sell out. I'm sure I will, but I'm just trying to postpone it.
I'm too shy to express my sexual needs except over the phone to people I don't know.