Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 441

I'm a big foodie! I eat, like, three times a day... but most of all, I'm a breathie. Breathing air? That's the best thing in the world! I couldn't go two minutes without breathing.

Gas stations are considering hiring security guards. Why are they getting security guards? We're the ones getting robbed.

She puts the "bra" in abracadabra.

I have an excuse, actually, why I've been drinking so much. I haven't said this out loud yet - this is exciting - I'm drinking for two. Thank you, wow. I mean, just for now. Somebody's being evicted.

Heard on the radio this morning about a guy who walked into a bank and presented a teller with a note that read "I have a gun. Give me all your money. Bang." The teller gave him the money and he walked out of the bank. He was caught only a short while later. Why? He had written the note on the back of his parole card.

Whenever I investigate a smell, I find that the answer is always bad. It's never: "What is that? Muffins!"

A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.

One of the first things you ever learn as a stand-up is don't show fear.

Some people are just really goofy kind of guitar acts, and they go out and do these colleges and start making a fortune pretty early on. And other people - I know guys who are great comics, who've done the Letterman show many times, who still barely pay their bills.

I was a class clown.

Why would you die for someone's sins? Your sins are the only thing interesting about you, you dreary, bleak motherfuckers.

We come into this world naked, covered in our own blood, screaming in terror - and it doesn't have to stop there if you know how to live right.

I got some pills and they were awesome - I took them for a long time. And my New Age-y friends would go ‘you know, you’re still feeling your anxiety, you’re just masking it with medication.’ And I said ‘Yes! It’s what it says on the label of the fucking pill! You know, in the winter I still feel the cold, I just mask it with a coat. What is your addiction to suffering?’

I don't believe in right or left; I don't believe in Santa or Satan. I believe in things I can touch - like vodka and Oreos.

I take the Bible literally, but not seriously.