Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 46
It occurs to me that the best way you hurt rich people is you turn them into poor people.
If you like soccer, then welcome to America. See, our country already has entertainment so watching people chase a ball for four hours to end 0 - 0 is not enjoyable - unless, of course, the bleachers collapse and half of Europe dies.
My girlfriend wants an open relationship. I said no way. What kind of man would I be if I had to tell my friends I date you?
Then we got my dog, Duke, he’s a basset hound. Duke’s the perfect dog, yeah! He eats his own turds! Perfect dog right there. Goes outside to poop, cleans it right up! You can’t teach that. That’s just a gift. Best part is, my wife doesn’t know he does it. She loves to let that dog lick her face! That’s why we never have an argument. She starts climbing on top of me, and I’m like, “Duke! Mama needs some lovin’!”
The Virgin Mary... We have a whole religion based on a woman who really stuck to her story.
Who wants to blow their husband? You want to blow a guy that you've been dating. And he's mysterious and you suck his cock and go home. Who wants to blow a guy and then go to IKEA with him all day?
You know how we built the pyramids? You gotta ask yourself a question always flip the script. What if up was down and down was up? What if you looked down into space standing up on Earth? This is how we built the pyramids.
There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap.
I have never even had a sip of alcohol, never have done drugs. The hardest thing I have ever done would be Pepsi.
I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."
One of my favorite clothing patterns is camouflage. Because when you're in the woods it makes you blend in. But when you're not it does just the opposite. It's like "hey, there's an asshole."
I took a speed reading course and my speed shot up to 43 pages a minute, but my comprehension plummeted.
I just broke up with my girlfriend and the reason we broke up is I caught her lying. Under another man.