Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 47
Yon Kippur. Greatest Jewish holiday ever. The Jewish day of attonement. You don't ear for one day, all your sins for the year are wiped clean. Beat that with your little "Lent." What is Lent? Forty days of absolution. Forty days to one day. Even in sin you're paying retail.
After months of speculation, the sitcom star Ellen DeGeneres admitted that yes, she's gay. Inspired by her courage, today, diet-guru Richard Simmons admitted that he is really, really, really, really gay.
I'm high as a kite and my teeth are green, Merry fucking Christmas!
I said to a guy, "Tell me, what is it about cocaine that makes it so wonderful" and he said, "Because it intensifies your personality." I said, "Yes, but what if you're an asshole?"
I was an ugly child. I got lost on the beach. I asked a cop if he could find my parents. He said, 'I don't know. There's lots of places for them to hide'.
If people stand in a circle long enough, they'll eventually begin to dance.
My girlfriend is Jewish. But it's easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces.
This guy from L. A. sits down next to me, and he says "you like baseball?" I said, "Oh, man, I love baseball." So he goes "Did you know that if Jesus had played ball, he'd have been the greatest ball player ever?" Like I'm gonna argue with that logic. So I sat there for a second, and then I said "did you know that if Babe Ruth had been the Messiah, the Catholics would have beer and hot dogs at Communion?" He left.
Soap's magical. You can have a soapy hand - wash the crack of your ass, right up to your face - and don't moan, because you did it today.
I just bought a microwave fireplace. You can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes.
I'm at the airport, and they lost my luggage, so I go to the lost luggage department. I go up to the girl and say, "Excuse me, you lost my luggage", she said, "Has your plane landed yet", I said, "No princess, I'm just having an out of body experience... I'm just checking on It" There's your sign!
Last year we drove across the country. We switched on the driving... Every half mile... We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was.
Never in life do you hear about a large group of black people getting killed altogether. 'Cuz we run. Nigga, we run when we see somebody else runnin'. We don't ask no questions why we runnin', we don't need no run coordinator to get the runnin' all organized. Nigga, if I'm with you, and you start runnin'...dammit, I'ma start runnin'!