Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 47
All of life is a coming home. Salesmen, secretaries, coal miners, beekeepers, sword swallowers, all of us. All the restless hearts of the world, all trying to find a way home.
You can never make a woman happy, it's impossible. I've never met a happy woman in my life. They're always complaining about something.
Wake up, little snoozy. Smell the smelling salts? Ha ha ha. I'll juice ya up.
Oral sex should be an Olympic sport because it’s harder than curling, and if you’re good at it, you deserve a medal.
A short summary of every Jewish holiday: "They tried to kill us; we won; let’s eat!"
Jared, don't fuck a goat. You hear me, son? Because a goat - no, listen. No, fuckin' listen. Put it on receive, dude. A goat... why am I attacking you? I have no idea. It's a mode of choice. But a goat will eat a tin can, they'll eat fuckin' junk. They'll chew it up. Have you ever watched 'em? They eat shit. And they will eat your junk right off, Jared. And you will be junkless. And you will have nothing, you'll have like a tit - a tin plate, where your - a tit plate. You'll have a nipple where your dick was, and you will be fucked.
The bible, that’s god book, as far as I know the devil hasn’t brought out a book yet, haven’t heard his side of the argument. God’s just writing shit about him, and the devil’s being the bigger man and saying I’m not even going to comment, talking shit about me like that.
Running isn't a sport because anyone can do it. Anything we can all do can't be a sport. I can run, you can run. My mother can run, you don't see her on the cover of Sports Illustrated do you?
Why is marijuana not legal? It's a natural plant that grows in the dirt. Do you know what's not natural? Eighty-year-old dudes with hard-ons. That's not natural. But we got pills for that. We're dedicating all our medical resources to keeping the old guys erect, but we're putting people in jail for something that grows in the dirt?
America may be the best country, but that's like being the prettiest Denny's waitress. Just because you're the best doesn't make you good.
If you are in here tonight and you have never contemplated suicide... you've never truly been in love. If you're in here tonight and you have never contemplated murder... you've never been divorced.
I was having lunch with my friend. I said, 'Hey, what's your middle name.' He said, 'I have two middle names.' I said, 'Then you have no middle names. You have a space.'