Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 615
Was at Royal Wedding but didn't go inside. Had same hat as Fergie's daughter.
I’m nervous about the whole velvet rope scene… I’m a child of the 70s. And I remember those Studio 54 stories where there’s a guy at the velvet rope and he’s saying you’re hot enough to get it and you’re not. And I know I’m in the not list. That’s not fun for me. When I go to Applebees, I get a table whenever I want.
She picked me up in her car because I was traveling by bus, and I thought it would be a lot easier for her to pick me up in her car than for me to convince Greyhound to reroute the bus to go by her house. The paperwork alone - logistical nightmare.
“Is that a gun in your pocket or you just pleased to see me? No its me knob.”
I've always been opposed to groups. I can't believe the doctrine of group is going to work for every single person within the group.
I have a dream. Martin Luther King had a dream so big that millions climbed on board. And one man changed a nation forever. Wow. How do you follow a dream that big? I guess you got to start small. You know, baby steps. I have some gum. Anybody can get gum. You feel better now, don't ya?
When I am outside at night by myself every person turns into a pedophile. So I tend to walk a little faster than usual and then I sprint.
Women like jewelry. They’re like racoons: show them some shiny stuff and they’ll follow you home.
Most parts in comedy, they're not really written for men. They're written for, like, these boy-men.
The man has a 70% approval rate, which makes sense to me because he's pretty much done everything I expected him to do: the economy's in the toilet, we're at war and everything's on fire.
I'm interested in doing everything and anything that I can to squeeze that creativity out of my brain. I guess I'm sort of a performance rat.
I always loved art teachers because they were so bizarre. They were like the homeless people of the faculty -- all disheveled, wearing smocks, covered in paint, always digging through the garbage, looking for bottles and egg cartons and things.
That security guard can never tell me where to park. What does he know about parking? He can tell me where to stand.
I’m not a tough guy, but I can beat up everyone at Trader Joe’s, but at Food-for-Less I shut up. They don‘t have aisles, they have alleys.