Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 615
I didn't know the full facts of life until I was 17. My father never talked about his work.
That’s why I don’t have a religion. I don’t want to have to say that, okay, I agree with everything a guy says.
Some of the most devastating things that happen to you will teach you the most.
I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.
Nancy Reagan, who said to Jerry Zipkin, "What do you wear to a recession?" Never got a dinner!
People who say "life is precious" don't spend much time on line at the airport.
People come to this country from all over the world to pursue their dreams of driving a taxi or selling hot dogs or working in a sweatshop.
The role of a comedian is to make the audience laugh, at a minimum of once every fifteen seconds.
There are few performers who would have had the audacity to even bring up the fact that they had been poorly reviewed.
This was in the 80's, when you couldn't just take a pill the next day to Control + Z that shit.
I have emotional needs that I didn't know I had, and I have physical needs that I didn't know weren't really needs.
You try not to have a favorite when you have sons or kids. Can’t have a favorite. Can’t let them know know if you do. I don’t. I treat my main son and the other two exactly the same way.
President Bush gave his first-ever presidential radio address in both English and Spanish. Reaction was mixed, however, as people were trying to figure out which one was which.