Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 614
I'll drive down the street, and I'll practice improv. I will sit there at a red light and see two guys talking to each other, and I will just start playing both characters. I can't hear them, but I can see their mouths moving, so I'll just put words in their mouths.
A Polish man in a helicopter. Goes up to 800 feet. Down it comes! What happened? "It got chilly up there, so I turned off the fan!"
If Wednesday is Hump Day, Thursday should be Panic, Regret, I Can't Find My Left Shoe and Why Does It Burn When I Pee? Day.
At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
I want to see riots! I want to see the kind of riots where cab drivers are afraid to pick up white people! I want to see this guy!
I have little compassion for people in trailer parks who refuse to move after getting tornado warnings. How hard is it for them to relocate? Their house have wheels.
If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?
If golf wasn't enjoyable and there wasn't a lot of humor and enjoyment, even though the game is so frustrating, you would wonder why you put yourself through it.
You know you're an alcoholic when the bartender knows your name... and you've never been to that bar before.
I'm in a situation with this girl that's as hopeless as overthrowing the Bush administration.
LL Cool J should be the spokesman for a line of pajamas called Ladies Love Cool Jammies.
As a general rule, I’ll talk about anything, provided it’s funny. But some topics - disease, famine, Big Daddy Kane - have a slightly higher threshold for how funny an idea must seem for me to try it onstage.
I thought about becoming a lesbian. Those bitches look like they're having a helluva time, don't they? But then you gotta get into the whole lesbian scene, you know, and go buy hiking boots and a truck. And then, who pays for shit? I guess the guy who's watching, but what if he's not there?