Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 614
Chapter One. He was as tough and romantic as the city he loved. Behind his black-rimmed glasses was the coiled sexual power of a jungle cat. Oh, I love this. New York was his town, and it always would be.
People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.
I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add "er".
How do I say this without sounding like an egomaniac? I don't know a comedian that sells more seats than me in the red states and blue states, so I don't see where I have to change that much.
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
Being homeless is awful, but if you've ever tried to wrestle a duvet cover back onto a comforter you realise it's not without it's benefits.
I bet in the Arab world all they show of America is Jerry Springer. "Look at the Americans,they fuckin' stupid? He's fucking his cousin! Not like you and me, its different. They do it dirty. They do some other way. Its different. "
So when you do get on, the first class people are already sitting there; they're all sprawled out on their big thrones. "Bring me the head of a pig! And a goblet of something cool and refreshing! Anyone have a fiddle? Amuse me."
I think comedy is a good way to deal with anything. I hear about people in the hospital who are ill, and they use humor to help them through it. I think it's a great remedy for many things.
When I was in Vegas women were throwing their hotel keys at me. But it was after they checked out.
The mistake that people make in stand-up is thinking they're profound or they're deep when there are so many people who have more worthwhile ways of phrasing things.