Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 627

I checked in to a hotel the other day and the woman behind the corner said to me, “Do you have a floor preference?” I go, “Yeah, I would like a floor.” Apparently, they can just suspend you from the ceiling now.

If you stand under the misteletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Bobby-Sue Ellen to walk by, you might be a redneck.

The girls I grew up with they're living normal, adult lives. So they call me now and they're like, 'Amy, I'm pregnant.' And I still react like, 'What are you going to do? I'll drive you, I guess.'

Sketches have characters, exits, entrances and are vastly different.

For my stand-up, I always have my notebook with me and if something strikes me, I'll write it down.

Every few months I'll pop into a comedy club or go to Vegas.

Even snakes are afraid of snakes.

I'm having trouble convincing my girlfriend to start a fight club.

Is Heather McDonald your best friend? You better get a new one.

I think the most annoying language is a tie between all the ones I don't know how to speak.

I heard a quote once in a documentary about a band that said you're better off owning everything 100 percent and selling 20,000 copies of an album than signing with a record company and selling a million copies. There has never been a truer statement about show business than that.

You must study their deliveries, their use of their bodies, their timing, and their use of audio and vocal effects.

The most interesting nerds are the ones who take offense to being called nerds.

I've done more than I thought I was ever going to do. I've had a very long and very satisfying career.

When you take a pause before delivering your punch line, you will be using silence as a creative entity in itself.