Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 627

David Letterman is the best late-night talk show host right now, hands down, and has been since he first took the desk.

Dogs seem more photogenic than cats. In photos most cats look like sociopaths.

Nobody wants to read about your life. Who cares?

What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a poodle peeing on your leg? You let the Rottweiler finish.

I asked him one time to tell me how I was conceived. You know why? 'Cause I wanted one good story. I don't have any good stories. I have no romantic stories of my parents that don't end with this phrase: "So the cops finally cuffed the crazy bitch."

Milk should be refrigerated even before opening.

Fleetwood Mac is just one of my all-time favorite bands.

Comedy isn't polite and it isn't correct and it isn't accurate, even. It's just a mess. So that's the way that I approach it.

You got it, doll, I was curious to see which Courtney Love was going to show up: the smeared-lipstick crazy coke whore or the violent smeared-lipstick crazy coke whore.

I took my son to Coney island, I said "wanna go in the crazy house?", he said "save your money we'll be home soon"!

There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices... in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air...

He gives his wife something to look forward to - a divorce.

I'm not white - I don't apologize for what made my country great.

I think religion is a neurological disorder.

Put your life out there and make it entertaining.