Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 628
I took my son to Coney island, I said "wanna go in the crazy house?", he said "save your money we'll be home soon"!
I love watching people get hit in the crotch. But only if they get back up. If their teeth are bleeding, if they're really hurt, if an ambulance has to come, I'm not laughing.
Peanuts! What happened to peanuts! Now every buggers allergic to peanuts! It's true, you open a packet of peanuts now, and a bunch of five year olds in a five mile radius slam to the floor, jabbing themselves with fucking adrenaline!
Take care not to wear stripes that are out of sync with your wrinkles.
Do whatever you want. Break stuff, touch your penis or boobs to anything, whatever.
Nothing I've ever done has given me more joys and rewards than being a father to my children.
I fell in love with the right person, a person I know and who knows me.
I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy.
"This is no way to run a business," I told Dim Sum, and then looked at Tons of Fun. "And you might want to lay off the carbs, you fucking wildebeest."
Day-to-day life is a lot of work. I work a lot on stand-up stuff, and then day-to-day life and, you know, just living. It's always different. Try to work out, try to stay in shape, and try to have some fun.
I have to hear this all the time in England: "Well, all Americans are fat and stupid, mm-hm-hm-hm-hm." Really? Well, thanks for sending over the best and brightest to start the party. Maybe we can send a few freaky, Texas, militia, hate-group, gun-toting weirdoes back to your country.
I bought a Christmas tree for twenty dollars. When I came home the next day, my wife was wearing it in her hair.