Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 628

Southwest Airlines is like my period: it hurts my back and it's always late.

Nothing I've ever done has given me more joys and rewards than being a father to my children.

I believe in people living their lives and having privacy.

I don't appreciate people who celebrate their dog's birthdays with "dog parties," and then invite their friends who don't even have dogs. I understand why people like dogs, and I think they definitely bring more to the table than cats or those godforsaken ferrets, but I don't think it's healthy for people to treat their dogs like they are real people.

Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.

Are you moving so quick now that it seems like time has stopped?

I have a dream. Martin Luther King had a dream so big that millions climbed on board. And one man changed a nation forever. Wow. How do you follow a dream that big? I guess you got to start small. You know, baby steps. I have some gum. Anybody can get gum. You feel better now, don't ya?

You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.

Things are so scary and intimidating with AIDS and the right wing that people are looking for somebody to just give them safe harbors.

Even the incorruptible are corruptible if they cannot accept the possibility of being mistaken. Infallibility is a sin in any man. All laws can be broken and are. Often.

I didn't know he was dead; I thought he was British.

If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.

We're more effective than birth control pills.

I told a joke and people laughed and it was the best feeling. I knew I wanted to do this as a career. I never knew I could get such a high from telling a joke. There’s something so extraordinary about having people listening to you and hanging onto your words - it’s a great feeling.

If golf wasn't enjoyable and there wasn't a lot of humor and enjoyment, even though the game is so frustrating, you would wonder why you put yourself through it.