Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 626
Found a fragrance called Vixen. Guess they can't name them after the people who actually wear them. Nobody's going to buy Secretary.
I do love America. And L. A. is a very short commute to America its like half an hour on the plane.
"This is no way to run a business," I told Dim Sum, and then looked at Tons of Fun. "And you might want to lay off the carbs, you fucking wildebeest."
One of the things that’s funniest about the entertainment industry and comedy is that people go ‘Oh, you’re great, but I don’t know what to do with you.’ The great thing about the Internet is that nobody has to figure out what to do with you. You can figure out what to do with you, and you can say, ‘I made this thing, and I’m going to put it out, and now if people want to come see me and buy things from me they can.’
I have to hear this all the time in England: "Well, all Americans are fat and stupid, mm-hm-hm-hm-hm." Really? Well, thanks for sending over the best and brightest to start the party. Maybe we can send a few freaky, Texas, militia, hate-group, gun-toting weirdoes back to your country.
I bought a Christmas tree for twenty dollars. When I came home the next day, my wife was wearing it in her hair.
Between New York and LA, there's 200 million people that aren't hip, and they don't want to be hip.
You know, the people who do indie film and decide who gets those little budgets? They're mean, man. They're cold and very cool-oriented.
If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.
Remember always what you set out to get, and please don’t settle for less.
I was living in a place where I was harming myself. I was irresponsible. I`d lost several apartments. I couldn`t hold a job. I was tired of being a no-good son of a bitch who called himself a man but was just a grown boy.
Fifty percent of marriages in this country end in divorce. Fifty percent. That’s one out of every two people. So it’s either going to be you or your wife.