Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 626

Sin is in, and so we begin...

Excited about Black Friday. Also excited about Jew Tuesday.

It sounds like I'm always being facetious. That's why I never get voice over work. 'You sound like you hate the product.'

The only truly anonymous donor is the guy who knocks up your daughter.

So I do have this ambivalence. Obviously I'm against militaries, because of what militaries do. In many ways though, the air force was unmilitary-like. They dropped bombs on people, but... they had a golf course.

They say my public persona don’t have enough appeal, I take a lesson from Kanye and give 'em something real.

I'd like to start the show by showing you something I'm very proud of. You'll have to step back, though.

That would be a good public service announcement for Nickelodeon: "Hi, this is Bob Saget. Don't fuck that shit. Stay in school. And read!"

I’m a big fan of talking dirty, but not everyone is good at it. I happen to be very good at it because I’m comfortable. I’ll say something sexy like, “You like that shit!”

I can see it now: Osama bin Laden goes up to the pearly gates where George Washington comes out, starts beating him and is then joined by 70 other members of the Continental Congress. Osama will say, "Hey, wait! Where are my 71 virgins?" And George will reply "It's 71 Virginians, you asshole!"

I hope you accidentally drink leukemia at a picnic

I'm somebody who can absorb a lot.

Every father says the same thing: "Where's your mother?"

You realize that for all the shenanigans that go on in the big circus of politics, everybody wakes up and goes to work.

I grew up in a town called Hopedale, Massachusetts. I was born there in 1964, and the only thing I hate outside of myself is everything else.