Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 626

Sydney Poitier, who said to Lester Maddox, "Guess who’s not coming to dinner?" Never got a dinner!

I’m a big fan of talking dirty, but not everyone is good at it. I happen to be very good at it because I’m comfortable. I’ll say something sexy like, “You like that shit!”

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

If Obama's a tyrant, he's a pretty tame tyrant. How many tyrants do you know that really suffer because they can't get cloture?

I can tell this isn’t a gay club because he’s not in shape and I don’t recognize the club.

I have too much money invested in sweaters.

I've always been in the right place and time. Of course, I steered myself there.

People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?"

You might be a redneck if you use the term 'over yonder' more than once a month.

Chicks can make you flip more than any drug would.

I can never do nothing in this house!

Welcome to the Academy Awards, a glittering two hours of entertainment, spread out over four hours. For those of you taping this on Betamax, you're under arrest.

I never eat sushi. I have trouble eating things that are merely unconscious.

If you stand under the misteletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Bobby-Sue Ellen to walk by, you might be a redneck.

For a British person to enter British Heaven, you basically have to die completely unnoticed without causing too much of a kerfuffle.