Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647
You know, the people who do indie film and decide who gets those little budgets? They're mean, man. They're cold and very cool-oriented.
If you properly clean a room, it gets dirtier before it gets cleaner.
God doesn't seem to talk to people like he used to. Who's he talking to now? I don't know. Then I'm walking down the street in Manhattan one day, and I realize maybe it's those guys you see walking down the street talking to themselves. You know, those guys that are like, 'I can't! No, I can't!' Maybe the other side of that conversation is God going, 'You're the new leader.' 'No I can't!' They're not crazy -- they're reluctant prophets.
I was a dishwasher at one of those Japanese places that cook on your table. Not too fun.
The winner of the Westminster Dog Show gets to drink champagne - out of the toilet.
Fans of the comic book are upset that the filmmakers chose to depict Spider-Man's web shooter as organic instead of as a device created by his alter ego, Peter Parker. Fucking nerds!
The definition of the word "nerd" has changed. It's now any attractive person with a hobby. The loneliness component is no longer included.
If ketchup had 1/20th of the carcinogens in a cigarette they'd rip it off the shelves tomorrow, so the government is full of shit when they tell you that they care about you.
One of my favorite sketches, and a popular comedy formula, is to put someone with a mental handicap in some kind of unlikely situation. For example: The retarded gynecologist, the retarded Jesus, the retarded Osama Bin Laden. It works. It's funny. Inappropriate? I dunno. I feel like I'm a pretty good judge of what crosses the line of good taste being that I am retarded. Socially perhaps, but severly retarded.
We would have broken up except for the children. Who were the children? Well, she and I were.