Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647
Now, if they were just honest about it and were like, 'Look, this guy's going to die in, like, seven or eight minutes; I'm going to get a bag of cash and a Lexus,' I wouldn't have a problem with it.
At the time I had a basic setup, basic cable if you will.He had the holy shit premier package.
There was no religion in my life growing up. Did God invent us or did we invent God?
I don’t let men smoke in my apartment. But if I have a woman over she can barbecue a goat.
Change religions for a girl? That’s crazy. Can you imagine what your boys would say? ‘Kevin’s so whipped, he’s Jewish!'
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
This was my attempt to deter cold callers: "There's no past, there's no future, just one pulsating present... Please leave your message after the tone."
You know what is good about these Dixie Chicks burnings or bashings? It's a wonderful, wonderful way for really stupid people to hook up. They meet, they throw some things on the fire, they talk about Vin Diesel, they tell stories about who their favorite Fox anchor is, they exchange phone numbers and in some cases has led to marriages.
You might be a redneck if your most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels.
We export films that are full of sleazy jokes and toilet humor - that`s why we've earned the affectionate nickname of the Great Satan. What's seemingly benign, by our standards, is doing more damage to us around the world than anything I could ever do.
Every day starts, my eyes open and I reload the program of misery. I open my eyes, remember who I am, what I'm like, and I just go, 'Ugh'.
Why do some bald guys grow ponytails? It it the same reason people too old to run always wear track shoes and sweat pants?
A Polish guy locked his keys in the car. It took an hour to get his wife out.
I am not the boss of my house. I don't know how I lost it. I don't know when I lost it. I don't think I ever had it. But I've seen the boss's job and I don't want it.