Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 646
It’s a real valley when I talk about veal. And calf roping. People were sensitive about calf roping. Which I think is quite funny.
The good things in life are free, except for health care, and electricity.
When we live up to our Constitution, let's form a Conga line around the Capitol and bungee jump off the dome.
It's all dangerously true. It'd be nice if something worked out for me, and then I'd have to get material out of that.
The position of First Lady has no rules, just precedent, so its evolution has been at a virtual standstill for years. If Martha Washington didn't do it, then no one is sure it should be done.
I'm not a movie guy, I'm not a TV sitcom guy, but whatever seems to fit and is funny is good for me.
In the debate Bush appeared confident, he appeared relaxed, he appeared calm. That's right, he's drinking again.
In the United States economic system you can lose big or you can win big. If you lose you wind up wearing a Hefty bag and sleeping in a doorway. If you win you can have sex with Catherine Zeta Jones when you're seventy-five.
Even if you meet the perfect person, it ain't gonna be at the perfect time. You're married, they're single. That's right. You're Jewish, they're Palestinian. You're a Mexican, they're a raccoon. You're a black woman, he's a black man.
I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
By the way, when you finish the bottle of Crown Royal, you can still use the pouch to hold your broken dreams.
They are telling me there is no way I can fill up an entire room. There must be a constant reminder that I’m not quite able to fill a room.