Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 648
I want you to take away the hope because that's the thing that's killing me.
I have a "Do Not Disturb" sign on my hotel door. It's time to go to "Don't Disturb". It's been "Do Not" for too long. We should embrace the contraction.
The only thing I really recommend, if you're starting out in stand-up is to not try to copy anybody else. You can be influenced by people. I was influenced by Steve Martin and Bob Newhart and Woody Allen, but I never tried to be someone else. I always tried to be myself. And the reason people are successful is they're unique.
I like doing a funny show where I don't have to act and fall in love with a girl.
I have to stop watching the Olympics. It just reminds me that I forgot to try really hard at something.
Recently started flat ironing my ball hair. Come on ladies, you know how it is; if you have curly hair you just want straight hair.
When a banana gets rotten people love to tell you that you can make banana bread out of it. I have never seen anyone actually do it.
Thats a Indian person convincing you of shit. You ever try to buy something and you go like "all right, give me the best price" "*indian accent* Sir, Im telling you, final price, best price, take it and go. Take it... and go. take it and go."
We export films that are full of sleazy jokes and toilet humor - that`s why we've earned the affectionate nickname of the Great Satan. What's seemingly benign, by our standards, is doing more damage to us around the world than anything I could ever do.
There’s only two types of men left in this world. Lumberjacks and Liam Nesson.
'Several NFL players said they would support a team mate that came out as gay...' Yeah, why wouldn't you?!
I didn't know the full facts of life until I was 17. My father never talked about his work.
This whole urban rap thing needs to be pulled back some. The ghetto is being glorified, and there's nothing good about the ghetto except getting out of one.