Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 648
A Polish guy locked his keys in the car. It took an hour to get his wife out.
I am not the boss of my house. I don't know how I lost it. I don't know when I lost it. I don't think I ever had it. But I've seen the boss's job and I don't want it.
Some comics don't like it when people talk during the set, and it does get a little bit annoying after awhile, but I basically let people dictate what jokes I'm going to do.
Nobody cares that youre smart and nobody cares that your kids dont have bruises.
In a world of war, pain and suffering, all I want for Christmas is an underwater watch and a silver clutch rod for my dirt bike.
Christine Todd Whitman had to resign as the head of the EPA. You know, when the governor of New Jersey decides the environment is hopeless, you gotta really think that one through.
Spirituality: the last refuge of a failed human. Just another way of distracting you from who you really are.
I'm so secretive that when someone asks me, "Hey, can you keep a secret?" I say "That's none of your business."
I believe in destiny. There must be a reason that I am as I am. There must be.
Each of us is full of shit in our own special way. We are all shitty little snowflakes dancing in the universe.
Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.
When we talk about values, I think of rationality in solving problems. That’s something I value. Fairness, kindness, generosity, tolerance. When they talk about values, they’re talking about things like going to church, voting for Bush, being loyal to Jesus, praying. These are not values.
I love talking to the audience, and I must be the luckiest performer in the world. I always land something or somebody that just takes off.