Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 738
If your dad walks you to school because you're in the same grade, you might be a redneck.
When you swear to God, its true. Right now God is watching and saying, "this is true."
Originally they wanted me to be Buster but I really like the Tobias part.
I bet a guy at a bar 50 bucks that I was more dysfunctional than he was. He raped me. So I tipped him. I'm very competitive.
If I wanted to be bored by 6,000 pages of unreadable dreck, I'd read War and Peace four times.
You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is in the mail, and then you remember it really is? I'm like that all the time.
I met a girl, we ate, we drank, had sex, got married, had affairs, broke up – God, what a night that was!
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'
People tend to call me names that I can't repeat on basic cable. I will give you a hint. They rhyme with "itch," "hunt," & "bore."
Aspirin is perfectly legal, but if you take 13 of them motherfuckers, it'll be your last headache.
My friend taught me this one. You take the heel of your hand, you can shove someone's nose right through their brain. I can't even watch someone blow their nose. If I'm in a fight, I'm not gonna be shoving or poking, I'm gonna be running or begging - that's my two choices, right there.
Very few American parents give a crap about how they raise their kids. They put minimal effort into it. Who told you it’s a good idea to buy a developing mind a video game?
Race is still somewhat of a taboo in comedy. But if you’re a minority, then you can make fun of your own minority. And that’s a nice service that many of them provide.