Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 738
Religions are maintained by people. People who can't get laid, because sex is the first great earthly pleasure. But if you can't get that, power is a pretty good second one. And that's what religion gives to people. Power. Power is sex for people who can't get or don't want or aren't any good at sex itself.
I'm crazy. I know I'm crazy 'cause Desmond Tutu told me, and he's very clever. He said, 'You must free yourself, be more of who you are. Be more crazy.' And I'm going to.
Incredible to think isn’t it, that every single Scotsman, started off as a scotch egg. Old and gingery.
Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.
It's the beauty and curse of doing a daily show. Some days you've got nothing to talk about and other days Dick Cheney shoots his lawyer in the face and everyone is happy.
Three weeks ago one of my dreams came true. I finally got to see something I always wanted to witness live. I finally saw someone get hit by a car... Nailed!
You know who I pray to? Joe Pesci. Two reasons: First of all, I think he's a good actor, okay? To me, that counts. Second, he looks like a guy who can get things done. Joe Pesci doesn't fuck around. In fact, Joe Pesci came through on a couple of things that God was having trouble with.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
The big debate right now is if Saddam is alive or dead. He's dead, then he's alive, then dead, then alive. It's just confusing. Today they showed videotape, and Saddam was speaking at his own funeral.
I started riding the whole 'fluffy' train, and it's a cute word and socially a lot more acceptable than someone saying is fat or obese. If you call a girl 'fat,' yo, she'll raise hell, but if you say, 'Aw girl, look at you, you're fluffy,' there's almost a sexy appeal to it.
Who are them blokes, the jockeys? Who are they, three foot high fucking hobbits in a pimps outift!
I won't do something unless I can get at least two or three good laughs out of it. If I can't, it's not gonna make the team.
I’d vote for myself because I couldn’t possibly suck as bad as our other options.
I had anxiety for so long. I went to a psychiatrist… “I’m constantly anxious. What do I do?” He told me I had obsessive compulsive disorder. I was shocked. I had to call him, like, nine time to make sure he was certain.