Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 739
I'm trying to do things I have never done. Like I recently went to 3 different ballets. And I loved trying to learn how to like those a little bit.
A lot of people say to me, 'Why did you kill Christ?' I dunno, it was one of those parties, got out of hand, you know.
When the media ask George Bush a question, he answers, "Can I use a lifeline?"
I think what I do in my acting world and what I do in my standup world is bring up a brand that I want to bring across. Once you figure out your brand and what you do, it's kind of easy at that. You end up getting your audience.
I was an altar boy in the Roman Catholic Church and no priest ever laid a hand on me. That's me, always the bridesmaid...
I’d like to have kids. I get those maternal feelings. Like when I’m laying on the couch and I can’t reach the remote control. It’s like, “Boy a kid would be nice right now.”
You might be a redneck if your local ambulance has a trailer hitch.
Clint Eastwood's sex therapist, who said to Clint, "Do it any which way you can, but no sudden impact." Never got a dinner!
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
The designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, drop them off at the wrong house.
I was broke until I was 40. Really broke. I could get by, but I had nothing.
It's no coincidence that the worst published writer in the world today is also one of the world's most successful writers... Dan Brown. Now Dan Brown is not a good writer, The Da Vinci Code is not literature. Dan Brown writes sentences like "The famous man looked at the red cup." ...and it's only to be hoped that Dan Brown never gets a job where he's required to break bad news. "Doctor is he going to be alright?" "The seventy five year old man died a painful death on the large green table... it was sad".