Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 739
I still think people do have racial hang-ups, but I think one of the reasons I can joke about it is people are shedding those racial hatreds.
A lot of people say to me, 'Why did you kill Christ?' I dunno, it was one of those parties, got out of hand, you know.
Are a lot of eight year olds that stressed? Do we got a lot of eight year old kids coming home from school going, “Oh, man, my day today. I could not make a cursive S to save my life.”
It’s too much trouble to get laid. ‘Cause you have to go out with a guy, go to dinner with him and listen to him talk about his opinions. And I don’t have that kind of time.
I was going to do a big radio show, and I said to my driver, 'Radio can wait, take me to the Full House house.' It literally was a drive-by. I photobombed the Full House house yesterday. I took like 20 pictures because I thought I didn't look good in any of these - you can't see the house! You gotta really show that that's the house!
Some authority on parenting once said, "Hold them very close and then let them go." This is the hardest truth for a father to learn: that his children are continuously growing up and moving away from him (until, of course, they move back in).
Being a big star and being known, making movies and a lot of money - that really doesn't interest me.
I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there.
If you’re “willing to die” for a cause you should really find some other less potential death related interests.
Anybody who likes writing a book is an idiot. Because it's impossible, it's like having a homework assignment every stinking day until it's done. And by the time you get it in, it's done and you're sitting there reading it, and you realize the 12,000 things you didn't do. I mean, writing isn't fun. It's never been fun. It's momentum, and once you get the momentum going, that's great, but it's a brutal experience in many, many ways. And when you're done, people tell you "Well, gee, I'm not interested." "Great, I'm glad I sat down and wrote this!"
I'm curious by individuals that embrace half a story so they can justify how incomplete they feel about their own self worth.
I wanted the show to make the most of being the last area of television that the medium originally was supposed to be - live, immediate entertainment. I decided the best thing I could do was forget trying to do a lot of pre-planning. It all boiled down to just going out there and being my natural self and seeing what would happen.
[about the contents of a brochure from the American Heart Association regarding the resumption of sexual activity following a heart attack] Caution: Anal intercourse may lead to irregular heart rhythms. Yeah, you know I'm never gonna have to worry about that. Because God gave me a second lease on life and I'm not gonna press my luck and take it up the ass.
Jokes are good for your health, they reduce stress, even ancient jokes like "She was only the stablemen's daughter, but all the horsemen knew her," even jokes as old as "Does this bus go to Duluth? No, this bus goes beep beep." Or the blind man who picked up a hammer and saw. They keep on pleasing us, year after year.