Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 737
I'm quite lucky, because I've got a small, decorative concrete pig.
I'm constantly tap dancing and wearing bright clothing and talking really loud and smiling all the time. As soon as they can't see me I take off whatever I was wearing, step into my tap shoes, run back stage and turn the music on.
In answer to the question, "Why do they hate us?" Al Queda today admitted it's those guys who wear a scarf with just a t-shirt.
Keep at least one window pane clean to check the weather. Once when I didn't do this I sent the kids off with umbrellas for six weeks straight.
Last week North Korea publicly admitted for the first time it has nuclear weapons. The Bush administration has so far shown very little concern, as the North Korean missiles are believed only capable of reaching the Blue States.
If the victories we create in our heads were let loose on reality, the world we know would drown in blazing happiness.
Joanne Carson, who said to Johnny, "Not so fast: what about the loose change in your pockets?" Never got a dinner!
They don't see that whole pattern. Worm/death. Worm/death. I would catch on.
When I went to college, I lived on campus, and the guys I hung out with made the characters in Revenge of the Nerds look like the Rat Pack in 1962. I, myself made that kid Booger look like Remington Steele.
I don't know why my brain has kept all the words to the Gilligan's Island theme song and has deleted everything about triangles.
I got a big kick out of that, actually. I think even when we were doing the concert ... everyone thought it was kind of cool that three busloads of people came from southwest Ohio.
I believe in destiny. There must be a reason that I am as I am. There must be.
Women will do anything Oprah Winfrey says, and that is why we can't have women voting.
I can tell you what the #4 thing I can’t talk about is. It’s the #4 thing.