Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 9

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.

I met this woman, I could've sworn she was pregnant, let me tell ya'. I believe the rule is, don't guess at that ever ever eve. Something like that. I don't have enough evers memorized. I said, "Hey, when's that baby due?" You ever feel a word comin' out but it's too late to stop it? "When's that baby due? Baby!" "What baby?" "Uhhh... at the zoo, the pandas. I knew they were havin' one just thought maybe we could talk about it, if you want." Have you ever guessed someone's gender wrong? There's no recovering from that. You just gotta move on, 'cause you ain't wigglin' out of anything. "Hey, uh, excuse me, Sir?" "Ma'am" "Okay. K bye! Bye, human. Bye, person. Nice to meet you, individual!"

I heart abortion. Where’s the shirt for that, urban outfitters?! And it won’t be a normal heart. It’ll be a dead infant heart. Y’know what the back will say? Problem Solved.

I was in five movies that got a total of four stars from The Daily News. And the reviews of "Beer League" were nothing compared to "Dirty Work." The review in my home town paper, The Star Ledger, said that I "had all the charm of a date rapist." I felt really bad about that, then Norm MacDonald; he's trying to cheer me up, being totally serious; says "well, a date rapist has to have way more charm than a regular rapist!"

If you haven't contemplated murder, you ain't been in love. If you haven't seriously thought about killing a motherfucker, you ain't been in love.

The Olympics is really my favorite sporting event. Although, I think I have a problem with that silver medal. Because when you think about it, you win the gold - you feel good, you win the bronze - you think, "Well, at least I got something". But when you win that silver it's like, "Congratulations, you almost won. Of all the losers you came in first of that group. You're the number one loser. No one lost ahead of you!"

I like to pick up hitchhikers. When they get in the car I like to say, "So, how far did you think you were going anyway?", or "Put on your seat belt. I want to try something. I saw it once in a cartoon, but I think I can do it."

Can’t we silence these Christian athletes who thank Jesus whenever they win and never mention his name when they lose? You never hear them say, "Jesus made me drop the ball" or, "The Lord tripped me up behind the line of scrimmage."

All these years, I thought I liked chicken cause it was delicious; but turns out, I'm genetically predisposed to liking chicken!

I don't understand why prostitution is illegal. Selling is legal, fucking is legal. So why isn't it legal to sell fucking?

Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex and men need to have sex to feel loved, so the basic act of continuing the species requires a lie from one of you.

Lick the alphabet. It makes you appear creative, it's an easy diagram to remember, it's like "aaaaa.... beeeee.... ceeee." She's thinking you're from fuckin' Europe or something: "Oh God, where'd you learn that, oh," and you're going "A, B, C, D, E, F, G".

"Hey, baby! Stop selling weed, all right, you've got your whole life ahead of you." He goes, "Fuck you, nigga. I got kids to feed!"

Dogs have no money. Isn't that amazing? They're broke their entire lives. But they get through. You know why dogs have no money? No pockets.

I assume the only reason we have them is so that white people feel relevant in sports. Because other than that the only thing the winter Olympics show me is which country has more rich white kids. What's it cost to go skiing - $900 a day? I can't believe that's not more popular in the inner cities.