Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 913

I have terrible luck. Last week my chauffeur ran off without my wife.

People who point at their wrist while asking for the time... I know where my watch is pal, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

I rant, therefore I am.

I hit two trees and fell down a ditch. And that was just walking from the lodge.

You might be a redneck if you've sat on the toilet until your legs fell asleep.

Anytime you see a bit where some stranger does something to me, it's me.

I call 'Community' the best day job in the world, because between takes, I get to write music. I get to write sketches. I get to write movies. It's the best job ever.

That married couples can live together day after day is a miracle the Vatican has overlooked.

It's great when a director like Cameron Crowe can take what you do and fit it into what he's doing. If someone's a fan of you already, they can take what you do and make it work for what they're doing. You don't know their vision, and you're thinking, 'How is this guy going to take what I do and make it work in this movie?'

I am so out of the loop. I am never honored. My career is hilarious to me. I am either under the radar or over the radar.

You better watch out. You better not cry. You better not pout, I'm telling you why, 'cause Santa Clause might put a cap in your ass.

We have al fresco dining in Cardiff now. Who's idea was that?! My soup's filling up quicker than I can eat it. "Who wanted coffee? Ah yes sir, well here it is. Don't worry I'll get you another one!"

Sex is a very narrow avenue. You only have so many holes and parts, and eventually, you run out of things to do.

I just know keeping track of what I'm doing and where I'm going is important to me.

One of the suckiest and most frustrating facts of life is that sometimes relationship just end, often without reason. I truly believe that sometimes both men and women simply run out of love, even when there was a lot of it in the beginning.