Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 912
You can’t make something beautiful by trying to make something beautiful. Something becomes beautiful in the process of trying to be something else.
You just have to keep trying to do good work, and hope that it leads to more good work. I want to look back on my career and be proud of the work, and be proud that I tried everything. Yes, I want to look back and know that I was terrible at a variety of things.
See, you learn about humans when you have a baby. Like girls. Girls are so much more advanced than boys. I seriously think that girls are born in conversation. Like, they come out of the womb, talking: "Are you my mother? Lovely to put a name to a face."
Today's ballroom dances like the swim, the frug, the chicken and the monkey are really nervous disorders set to music.
I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back!
She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her, she says "Tut, Tut!"
Haiti fell over? Who built Haiti? Two of the three little pigs?!
Someone stole my wallet last week. The guy called me up and he was mad at me. He was like 'you gotta get your finances together. You got no cash, your credit cards are maxed out. You don't even have minutes on your calling card. I had to use my card to call you.'
My missus has just gone into hospital with 2 black eyes and a broken jaw! It seems we were on different wavelengths when she said she wanted decking on the patio.
You know, I live a monastic lifestyle. No, I do. I do live in extremes, basically. I go back and forth. Once every six months, I'll have a day where I eat more chocolate than has ever been consumed by a human being.
It's my wife Ruth's birthday soon. I said to her: "What would you like for your birthday?" She said: "I want a divorce." I said: "I wasn't planning on spending that much."
Dear semi hot girl taking photos on a boat. It's not your boat so stop acting like you own it. You drive a used Civic.