Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 912
My greatest hero is Nelson Mandela……incarcerated for 25 years, he was released in 1990, he’s been out about 18 years now……and he hasn’t reoffended.
If I've learned anything in my 30s, it's about holding back a little bit.
If I wasn't a comic or TV star, I really wanted to be a photojournalist.
A new cologne is coming out. It's for cowboys, and it's made from cow's manure. That way the women will be on you like flies!
Losing builds character. So, if you're the loser in your family, don't worry. 'Cos twenty years form now, that perfect can do no wrong brother of yours is going to show up at your house, bald, fat, divorced, with six kids who all hate him and he's going to ask you for money. And because of your character, you're going to look him right in the eyes and you're going to say, "You know what, I'll give you some money. If you mow my lawn and detail my car. Oh yeah, then you can shampoo the tail." Loser.
You have to fail, man, but you cannot allow failure to stop you from doing what you must do. Failing is just as good as succeeding in a lot of ways. It’s how you react to it all. You can react to success the wrong way and be a total failure. Or you can react to losing with your whole heart, learn from it, and be a huge success. In stand-up, I’ve learned to know when I’m burning it up or when I’m being so-so. That’s experience. I learn every single time I’m on a stage.
I bought my son an indestructible toy. Yesterday he left it in the driveway. It broke my car.
I saw a charity appeal in the Guardian the other day, and it read "Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a day just to fetch water". And I couldn't help thinking, she should move.
Paris Hilton has launched a new champagne in a can called Rich Prosecco. For the ad campaign Paris posed wearing nothing but gold paint. That’s a unique way to cover up herpes.
My father always used to say, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger," - 'til the accident.
What Democratic congressmen do to their women staffers, Republican congressmen do to the country.