Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 914
Ros was dead. He had loved heroin more than it loved him. I was shocked beyond imagining; he was the first of my friends to fall.
Oh, Hello. I'm Eugene Mirman, and I'm here to introduce my special. It's called "An Evening of Comedy in a Fake Underground Laboratory".
If I've learned anything in my 30s, it's about holding back a little bit.
You can’t take everything that is offered to you. I pass on a lot of stuff, because I truly believe that I will shine better if I could do it 200 percent rather than do it 80 percent and make it so-so.
The hardest working person in showbusiness has never been or ever will be a 'famous person'.
I saw a charity appeal in the Guardian the other day, and it read "Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a day just to fetch water". And I couldn't help thinking, she should move.
I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'
If you want somebody to repair your roads, educate your kids, or purify your water supply, you may want to turn to private enterprise, but if you want massive fuckloads of your enemies wiped out in record time, Uncle Sam is the man for you.
With a cheery delicacy she divided my obsessions into three categories: acceptable, unacceptable, and hilarious.
I went into a deli and got an egg sandwich and a hot chocolate. And then I went outside and I had to get a cab, so I had to put up one of my hands. But I already started eating my sandwich; I took it out of the bag, I was impatient. So my choice was hold up an egg sandwich or hold up a hot chocolate to get a car. So I chose the hot chocolate. And I put it up there and no cab stopped and I realized it was because I looked like I was toasting traffic. Standing on the street, ‘Here’s to you guys, to everybody heading west, I just wanna say I like what you do… but one of you needs to stop, pick me up.’
Sometimes people offer you plays, they offer you parts, but they only offer it because I'm famous.
What I say is stupid. Who takes a comedian seriously? I'm doing sophisticated knock-knock jokes.