Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 914
One of the suckiest and most frustrating facts of life is that sometimes relationship just end, often without reason. I truly believe that sometimes both men and women simply run out of love, even when there was a lot of it in the beginning.
I suppose I grew up wishing I was an American Jew for the comedy and the one-liners. ... actress who does a Holocaust movie because, as she explains, it's a surefire way to finally win an Oscar.
When I hear people talk about juggling, or the sacrifices they make for their children, I look at them like they're crazy, because 'sacrifice' infers that there was something better to do than being with your children.
When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.
I don’t know what it would be like to actually play guitar. I’ve toured with a lot of comedians and it’s never been like it is for a rock band.
The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off.
I bought my son an indestructible toy. Yesterday he left it in the driveway. It broke my car.
Try not to be four years into a relationship when it suddenly dawns on you that the guy you're with is a big, selfish jerk.
We use up words like "spiritual" so fast in this culture. Twenty years ago "spiritual" had a distinct meaning. But now there's a lot of jack-off thinkers who just love to talk about the spiritual. And there is a lot of bogus - is "bogosity" a word? It should be - a lot of bogosity in these spiritual seekers. So you have to find another way to express it. I just call it "how I fit".
Text a guy you like right now, "I'm thinking about you." If he says, "mmm are you in bed?" Never speak to him again he's a lifelong moron.
Tonight we set aside petty differences, forget old feuds and start new ones.
I had the cab driver drive me here backwards, and the dude owed me $27.50.