Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 922

I should be European, man. I'm long and lean. I'd look good in a trench coat.

I’m not a good actor, I can play myself and a much gayer version of myself. That’s my range.

I wish my name started with a comma. That would be so dramatic.

There are people that really live by doing the right thing, but I don't know what that is, I'm really curious about that. I'm really curious about what people think they're doing when they're doing something evil, casually. I think it's really interesting, that we benefit from suffering so much, and we excuse ourselves from it.

My friends and family always thought I was pretty funny, but I don't know if they thought I was get-my-own-show funny.

Gary Hart, who said, "She didn't sit on my yacht; she sat on my dinghy!" Never got a dinner!

I can't ever remember ever seeing any charity porn, though. "Farmyard Frolics 3: A portion of this goes to a women's literacy programme in Eritrea".

Stupid National Anthem... Look at this flag; Two bears fighting over a pineapple. What kind of message does that send to the world? "Come to Belarus, where wild animals will steal your fruit"

Many stroke survivors look back on their attack as "a stroke of luck". Of course, by "luck" they mean "horrible paralysis."

I never go perform somewhere alone. I've done that since day one. I've always taken other comics with me.

Women put guys through tests all the time.

The greatest thing you can do is surprise yourself.

Nobody talks about sex in Scotland. Scottish gynecologists don't even talk about sex. It's just like: 'Get up on the table there, Mrs. Henderson. Lift up your skirt. We'll take a look at your magic baby door.'

You could be a genius -- you try to write a postcard, you come across like a moron anyway. It's always like, 'This city's got big buildings. I like food. Bye.

Oprah's quitting in 2011. Now we know why the Mayans ended their calendar in 2012.