Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 922
The N-Word. And everyone says, “Don’t say it again. We should put a moratorium on it, because it’s a bad word.”... You see, it’s not bad to me because I don’t know any and I’ve never been one.
Fuck all the people who say, "God bless," and then don't bother to complete the sentence. Who they are, I haven't the slightest. But, if I were God, I would not honor such a request.
The only work I ever turned down was a cable programme called Diving for Excrement.
50 years: here's a time when you have to separate yourself from what other people expect of you, and do what you love. Because if you find yourself 50 years old and you aren't doing what you love, then what's the point?
I was in the park, pulling out stray nose hairs with my pliers. Those sleeping winos hate it when you do that.
There was this whole middle time that only Chris Rock came out of, you know, 10 years ago it was Chris and a few other people, but that's about it. Chris is in a class of his own; I don't see another comedian who I put in high regard as him.
In the lobby before the show some guy’s like, “Jeff, your eyes look red. Are you stoned?” I’m like, “Dude, it’s my allergies.” He goes, “What are you allergic to?” “Pot”
Bad news has never been broken gently in my family. Because, breaking it gently takes a few extra seconds. And who's got that kinda time? Hey, we maybe failures, but we are very busy.
You gotta live life before you can talk about it. Sometimes when things don't work out in life, they work out on stage.
You might be a redneck if you've sat on the toilet until your legs fell asleep.
Most bullies are the product of a stressful and often abusive home life. Next time a bully threatens or attacks you, just yell, 'Don't abuse me like your parents abuse you!' Then call children's services and tell them you saw this bully crying in the bathroom and you're worried about him. Bam! He just got moved to a foster home.