Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 921

I don't get it, how does a guy look at his girlfriend without doubling over?

They said I wasn't being funny. And I said to them, 'I know that, but tomorrow I will go back to being funny, and your show will still blow.'

I got up this morning. I like to get up in the morning; it gives me the rest of the day to myself. I crossed the landing and went down stairs. Mind you, if there had been no stairs, I wouldn’t even have attempted it.

He's not stupid ... he's not a retarded man ... he just doesn't give a shit about you, or anything.

Faith is part of who I am, yes. I was raised Christian Scientist. The most important thing I saw every single week on the wall at Sunday school was the Golden Rule.

I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.

“(reading email) ‘Great party Arj. Best party ever.’ What a jerk!”

So far, this is the oldest I’ve been.

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.

I want you to be yourself, but not with other dudes.

I asked a Jewish man "Do you know where Michigan Avenue is?" He said "Yes", and walked away.

I'm sure everyone in this room has been told a joke about that subject. I have many times and I've laughed, even though they are horrifying and shocking... I think there's no boundary at all, whether it's that subject or another.

My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.

It's unbelievable. People are so desperate to get home. The trains come very regularly, you see them, one minute, two minutes, three minutes... this means nothing to people. As soon as you get on the platform it's a level playing field. I don't care when you arrived, I'm getting on this train.

My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.