Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 921

I hate how all the hip hop bands of today will put crazy sound effects into their songs. You know what I mean, like a police or ambulance siren in a tune? Because I could own the CD, I could listen to it 50 gamillion times in my car - I still fall for it every time.

I'm going to be going to a secluded spot where no one can find me - NBC prime time.

Hopefully, underlying all my jokes is an element of surprise.

"I’m glad Carol Vorderman has left Countdown, I mean it’s not like she did much. She was effectively just an autistic shelf-stacker."

When you go to cable, there are no stations and no affiliates and they allow you to do your show.

While I was doing stand-up, I thought I knew for sure that success meant getting everyone to like me. So I became whoever I thought people wanted me to be. I'd say yes when I wanted to say no, and I even wore a few dresses.

It's getting harder and harder to differentiate between schizophrenics and people talking on a cell phone. It still brings me up short to walk by somebody who appears to be talking to themselves.

We now buy watches primarily for their looks, price, or additional functions. The fact that they tell time seems lost.

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.

Life is moments going by, but if you don't grab them, they're gone. For a long time, the only moments that were available were bad ones. So now I make sure to grab the good ones.

I’d love the ability to give someone an orgasm just by touching them.

I'm a one-man idiot.

I was 23 with a mullet doing lots of jerk-off material."I can't look at the old tapes now.

Moshe Dayan, who donated his eye to CBS. Never got a dinner!

I just took a dump that reminded me of my childhood. Because it was as big as a child.