Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 921

My wife and I have been together for 11 years, and seven of those married. We got married on 07/07/07. We support each other 150 percent. We have fun. We are a modern-day Sonny & Cher. I don’t sing. My wife sings. We’re so different, but so alike. We got that ying and yang thing going on. You see it, but you don’t know how it works.

Have you ever seen people so ugly that you have to get someone else to verify it?

I'm tired of seeing great women in bullshit relationships.

You can’t take everything that is offered to you. I pass on a lot of stuff, because I truly believe that I will shine better if I could do it 200 percent rather than do it 80 percent and make it so-so.

Have a little fun.

That's the great thing about a tractor. You can't really hear the phone ring.

I noticed recently, in the last few shows I did, that I'm starting to get people - not a large group, but quite a few people - who come to see me because they love Curb Your Enthusiasm.

I don’t know what it would be like to actually play guitar. I’ve toured with a lot of comedians and it’s never been like it is for a rock band.

I feel like people who don’t brag are trying to make you jealous by thinking they’re hiding something more even exciting.

I love singing along to the radio while I’m riding in the back of a squad car.

I don't talk soft, that's that other dude.

Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat.

A man who correctly guesses a woman`s age may be smart, but he`s not very bright.

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'

How would it be if we discovered that aliens only stopped by earth to let their kids take a leak?