Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 923

Happy Thanksgiving! I broke into Best Buy and stole a copy of Pocahontas to celebrate.

I have a new saying, what I see in Vegas, I am telling everybody.

The other day I was sitting on the stoop. That’s a stupid nick-name. I’m mean my Aunt Bessie.

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.

Moshe Dayan, who donated his eye to CBS. Never got a dinner!

I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and has AIDS.

I was one of those kids that finished school early… by dropping out.

I understand that if you're a kid in Indonesia, you need to smoke because you just got off work at the Nike factory.

What's the opposite of opposite? Consider yourself bamboozled!

Do you reckon the Queen has ever pulled a blanket up so just her head's showing and gone 'Philip, look at me! I'm a stamp!'

I'm not a disciplined writer.

Dear semi hot girl taking photos on a boat. It's not your boat so stop acting like you own it. You drive a used Civic.

I should be European, man. I'm long and lean. I'd look good in a trench coat.

Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.

I’m not a good actor, I can play myself and a much gayer version of myself. That’s my range.