Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 923

In Australia you can buy a cheese called ‘coon cheese’, did you hear what I said, ‘coon cheese’!!

"What I've lost in years I've gained in wisdom." Bullshit, I haven't learnt one thing in the last 15 yrs that hasn't just depressed me more.

My father, never chooses me for anything. If you needed a kidney and I offered him mine, well, pfft. Well, he'd take it 'cos he was dying. It's not that he doesn't love me, 'cos he does. It's just that special kind of love that feels like neglect.

He was born on April 2. A day late.

My wife and I have been together for 11 years, and seven of those married. We got married on 07/07/07. We support each other 150 percent. We have fun. We are a modern-day Sonny & Cher. I don’t sing. My wife sings. We’re so different, but so alike. We got that ying and yang thing going on. You see it, but you don’t know how it works.

When I hear people talk about juggling, or the sacrifices they make for their children, I look at them like they're crazy, because 'sacrifice' infers that there was something better to do than being with your children.

I wish it was that easy to get turned on for me - at this point, I need a bottle of Belevere and a fighterjet.

Have you ever seen people so ugly that you have to get someone else to verify it?

If your gonna drop out of school - tough grades are not your goal - then change your name to Candy and learn to work a pole.

You have to fail, man, but you cannot allow failure to stop you from doing what you must do. Failing is just as good as succeeding in a lot of ways. It’s how you react to it all. You can react to success the wrong way and be a total failure. Or you can react to losing with your whole heart, learn from it, and be a huge success. In stand-up, I’ve learned to know when I’m burning it up or when I’m being so-so. That’s experience. I learn every single time I’m on a stage.

Valuable people are undervalued.

It was easier to sell a painting that was not for sale.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

And for you kids watching at home, remember, the less homework you do and the closer you sit to the TV, the more points you get.

I don’t know what’s going on with Britney. I think by now she’s her own species. We need to catch her, tag her and send her back out into her natural habitat - Starbucks - so we can observe her and learn more about her.