Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 923
Sometimes, to help someone you love, you have to commit a felony. But, you don't want to go to prison for that. "Hey, dude, what are you in for? Armed robbery? Murder?" And then, you have to say, "Love." And, that's definitely going to get you, you know, picked last for prison kick ball.
To me 30 isn't old. But it's definitely the beginning of no longer young. Because you notice little subtle things happen to you. You'll be in your car driving around listening to the radio and hear stuff like, "That's was an oldie from The Clash."
I noticed recently, in the last few shows I did, that I'm starting to get people - not a large group, but quite a few people - who come to see me because they love Curb Your Enthusiasm.
A know-it-all is a person who knows everything except for how annoying he is.
Me and Abed have an agreement. If one of us dies, we stage it to look like a suicide due to the unjust cancellation of Firefly.
I grew up poor… I grew up the baby of eight kids. We grew up in a two bedroom house. Mama didn’t have to worry about a curfew. You came up late, you didn’t have a bed.
Going there is paying your dues. You always have to pay your dues... You've just got to do it. Maybe I come from a working family. Maybe it's the voice of my mom saying, 'You've always got to be nice to people.' I look at it as saying it's going to be fun. Those people are going to be really, really happy.
Whenever I'm with a woman I whisper softly into her ear, "Touch my vagina," and she's like, "What!" and I'm like, "That's what you're supposed to say."
If you want somebody to repair your roads, educate your kids, or purify your water supply, you may want to turn to private enterprise, but if you want massive fuckloads of your enemies wiped out in record time, Uncle Sam is the man for you.
How would it be if we discovered that aliens only stopped by earth to let their kids take a leak?
The other day a woman came up to me and said, "Didn't I see you on television?" I said, "I don't know. You can't see out the other way."
And for you kids watching at home, remember, the less homework you do and the closer you sit to the TV, the more points you get.
If a guy truly likes you, but for personal reasons he needs to take things slow, he will let you know that immediately. He won’t keep you guessing, because he’ll want to make sure you don’ get frustrated and go away.
Villains fear me because I am unpredictable and broccoli. See what I mean?