Quotes & Jokes by Craig Ferguson / page 13

On that same tour we ran into a band at Aylesbury Friars, a biggish venue in Oxfordshire, England. They were a four-piece from Ireland called U2. They seemed like nice fellows and they sounded pretty good, but we didn’t keep in touch. They’re probably taxi drivers and accountants by now.

What we do have is nothin' but time. Welcome to the "Shawshank Redemption" of late night!

I'm so excited about the new iPad, I just iPeed my iPants.

It's easier to feel a little more spiritual with a couple of bucks in your pocket.

Occasionally, when I lived in London, I would have sex with a girl from an aristocratic family. I always enjoyed doing to them what their ancestors did to my country.

Oprah's quitting in 2011. Now we know why the Mayans ended their calendar in 2012.

Ros was dead. He had loved heroin more than it loved him. I was shocked beyond imagining; he was the first of my friends to fall.

I just do my thing and try each show to be more honest about why I am and who I am. It's quite tricky and actually nerve-racking to do that. It's kind of a happy train wreck.

Scotland is a much lighter and more fun place than I thought it was. I was miserable when I was there. But it wasn't Scotland's fault. It was my circumstances. I was - I hate to say the word humbled - but that's what it felt like. I was wrong about this place. This is a great place full of very fun people.

Sometimes my pathology just spills out into the camera, doesn't it?

There's something spiritual in hard work. Spirituality isn't all aromatherapy and scented candles.

In a Scottish opera, it ain't over 'till the fat lady bitch-slaps you.

The term "Big Brother" is from George Orwell's book "1984" - where everyone’s watched over by a network of cameras called Big Brother. I’ve never understood why Orwell chose that phrase for somebody watching you all the time. Isn't that more like "Creepy Uncle"?

Love at first sight is not rare, in fact it is extremely common, it happens to some people a few times a year. The feeling of "what if" when meeting the eyes of a stranger can be love unrecognized.

These days, young people watch TV on smartphones and computers. Young people with an actual TV set are harder to find than a picture of Anthony Weiner with his clothes on.