Quotes & Jokes by Craig Ferguson / page 13

Santa blows all these shipping companies away. He delivers more than 2 billion packages in just 24 hours. He does it by sleigh. He doesn’t use tracking numbers and doesn’t use trucks. He just uses midgets and a giant bag.

It's easier to feel a little more spiritual with a couple of bucks in your pocket.

We wanted something different this year. We're still keeping the musicianship, as opposed to it being a jam band fest. There's also a lot more standard bluegrass acts and we've never had an act like Bobby McFerrin before. You don't have to be a bluegrass artist - you just have to be a great artist to fit in at Telluride.

This job has explained to me who I am - I'm not kidding. I always knew I was an actor, but kind of not. I always knew I was a writer, but kind of not. I knew was a producer, but kind of not. It's really a peculiar confluence of skills and experiences that put you in the right position to do this job. But I know now what I am. I'm this. Whatever this is. Now that I know this it's really helped me in my life.

Occasionally, when I lived in London, I would have sex with a girl from an aristocratic family. I always enjoyed doing to them what their ancestors did to my country.

Ros was dead. He had loved heroin more than it loved him. I was shocked beyond imagining; he was the first of my friends to fall.

There's something spiritual in hard work. Spirituality isn't all aromatherapy and scented candles.

The whole idea of re-releasing old movies does bother me a little bit. If they're going to re-release an old movie, I should be able to get in with my old ticket.

These days, young people watch TV on smartphones and computers. Young people with an actual TV set are harder to find than a picture of Anthony Weiner with his clothes on.

The term "Big Brother" is from George Orwell's book "1984" - where everyone’s watched over by a network of cameras called Big Brother. I’ve never understood why Orwell chose that phrase for somebody watching you all the time. Isn't that more like "Creepy Uncle"?

Former president George W. Bush released his new memoir. By the way, 'memoir' is just a fancy word for 'a bunch of stuff that happened to me.'

Oprah's quitting in 2011. Now we know why the Mayans ended their calendar in 2012.

Sometimes my pathology just spills out into the camera, doesn't it?

After all this time I found that the novel is in fact punk rock.

For example, in Paris, if one desires to buy something, you enter the store and say "Good morning, sir" or "madam," depending on what is appropriate, you wait until you are greeted, you make polite chitchat about the weather or some such, and when the salesperson asks what they can do for you, then and only then do you bring up the vulgar business of the transaction you require.