Quotes & Jokes by Craig Ferguson / page 13
You better watch out. You better not cry. You better not pout, I'm telling you why, 'cause Santa Clause might put a cap in your ass.
This job has explained to me who I am - I'm not kidding. I always knew I was an actor, but kind of not. I always knew I was a writer, but kind of not. I knew was a producer, but kind of not. It's really a peculiar confluence of skills and experiences that put you in the right position to do this job. But I know now what I am. I'm this. Whatever this is. Now that I know this it's really helped me in my life.
We wanted something different this year. We're still keeping the musicianship, as opposed to it being a jam band fest. There's also a lot more standard bluegrass acts and we've never had an act like Bobby McFerrin before. You don't have to be a bluegrass artist - you just have to be a great artist to fit in at Telluride.
Ros was dead. He had loved heroin more than it loved him. I was shocked beyond imagining; he was the first of my friends to fall.
The whole idea of re-releasing old movies does bother me a little bit. If they're going to re-release an old movie, I should be able to get in with my old ticket.
Like most sharks, Margaret liked to think of herself as a victim of the cruel sea.
These days, young people watch TV on smartphones and computers. Young people with an actual TV set are harder to find than a picture of Anthony Weiner with his clothes on.
There's something spiritual in hard work. Spirituality isn't all aromatherapy and scented candles.
The term "Big Brother" is from George Orwell's book "1984" - where everyone’s watched over by a network of cameras called Big Brother. I’ve never understood why Orwell chose that phrase for somebody watching you all the time. Isn't that more like "Creepy Uncle"?
Former president George W. Bush released his new memoir. By the way, 'memoir' is just a fancy word for 'a bunch of stuff that happened to me.'
Occasionally, when I lived in London, I would have sex with a girl from an aristocratic family. I always enjoyed doing to them what their ancestors did to my country.
Sometimes my pathology just spills out into the camera, doesn't it?
Love at first sight is not rare, in fact it is extremely common, it happens to some people a few times a year. The feeling of "what if" when meeting the eyes of a stranger can be love unrecognized.
I just do my thing and try each show to be more honest about why I am and who I am. It's quite tricky and actually nerve-racking to do that. It's kind of a happy train wreck.