Quotes & Jokes by Craig Ferguson / page 13
These days, young people watch TV on smartphones and computers. Young people with an actual TV set are harder to find than a picture of Anthony Weiner with his clothes on.
Occasionally, when I lived in London, I would have sex with a girl from an aristocratic family. I always enjoyed doing to them what their ancestors did to my country.
Some people take the spelling bee very seriously. These people are called "parents of children in the spelling bee." They're trying to make up for their own childhood of crushed dreams and misspelled words.
In a Scottish opera, it ain't over 'till the fat lady bitch-slaps you.
"World War Z" is out today. The big zombie movie. The trailer looks scary. You see hordes of bodies climbing and rolling over each other. It’s like Black Friday at the mall.
Ocean's 13 is all about cool people having a good time, and who doesn't want to see that? Well you, apparantly, 'cause you're watching me.
I just do my thing and try each show to be more honest about why I am and who I am. It's quite tricky and actually nerve-racking to do that. It's kind of a happy train wreck.
The term "Big Brother" is from George Orwell's book "1984" - where everyone’s watched over by a network of cameras called Big Brother. I’ve never understood why Orwell chose that phrase for somebody watching you all the time. Isn't that more like "Creepy Uncle"?
Laughter separates us from despair, and gives us a chance at love.
There are plans for a new high-speed train between Los Angeles and San Francisco. It will make the trip time 30 minutes. People in L.A. are like, "Yes!" And people in San Francisco are like, "Yeah, sure, great. We look forward to seeing you."
I became a terrible drunk or alcoholic - or a good one depending on your point of view.