Quotes & Jokes by Craig Ferguson / page 14
I am reasonably happy. I didn't find Jesus or anything like that. Part of it is that I just feel that I could go home. I did not feel like that for a long time, but I could go back now.
There are plans for a new high-speed train between Los Angeles and San Francisco. It will make the trip time 30 minutes. People in L.A. are like, "Yes!" And people in San Francisco are like, "Yeah, sure, great. We look forward to seeing you."
If I start giving people what they like I'll turn into one of them and I don't want to be one of them I want to be one of me.
Occasionally, when I lived in London, I would have sex with a girl from an aristocratic family. I always enjoyed doing to them what their ancestors did to my country.
For example, in Paris, if one desires to buy something, you enter the store and say "Good morning, sir" or "madam," depending on what is appropriate, you wait until you are greeted, you make polite chitchat about the weather or some such, and when the salesperson asks what they can do for you, then and only then do you bring up the vulgar business of the transaction you require.
There's something spiritual in hard work. Spirituality isn't all aromatherapy and scented candles.
The term "Big Brother" is from George Orwell's book "1984" - where everyone’s watched over by a network of cameras called Big Brother. I’ve never understood why Orwell chose that phrase for somebody watching you all the time. Isn't that more like "Creepy Uncle"?
Scotland is a much lighter and more fun place than I thought it was. I was miserable when I was there. But it wasn't Scotland's fault. It was my circumstances. I was - I hate to say the word humbled - but that's what it felt like. I was wrong about this place. This is a great place full of very fun people.
After all this time I found that the novel is in fact punk rock.
A woman in Germany gave birth to a 13 1/2 pound baby. That baby was so fat his first word was "strudel."
Santa blows all these shipping companies away. He delivers more than 2 billion packages in just 24 hours. He does it by sleigh. He doesn’t use tracking numbers and doesn’t use trucks. He just uses midgets and a giant bag.
In a Scottish opera, it ain't over 'till the fat lady bitch-slaps you.