Quotes & Jokes by Craig Ferguson / page 14
Laughter separates us from despair, and gives us a chance at love.
After all this time I found that the novel is in fact punk rock.
In a Scottish opera, it ain't over 'till the fat lady bitch-slaps you.
A new study says by 2030 household robots will dominate every phase of our lives. The study says the No. 1 field for robot growth is medicine. That makes sense. Robots already perform well in surgery. That is, until there is a power outage. Then it’s just a coat rack leaning over you as you bleed to death.
For example, in Paris, if one desires to buy something, you enter the store and say "Good morning, sir" or "madam," depending on what is appropriate, you wait until you are greeted, you make polite chitchat about the weather or some such, and when the salesperson asks what they can do for you, then and only then do you bring up the vulgar business of the transaction you require.
Oh, this isn't a talk show; it's more just filling time, really, 'til the infomercials start.
I do a show. It comes on late at night on TV. And if that means I'm a late-night talk show host, then I guess I am, but in every other regard I resign my commission, I don't care for it.
I am reasonably happy. I didn't find Jesus or anything like that. Part of it is that I just feel that I could go home. I did not feel like that for a long time, but I could go back now.
If I start giving people what they like I'll turn into one of them and I don't want to be one of them I want to be one of me.
That's why Credit card companies are evil. Are they sponsoring the show tonight? They are Evil.
He will know from and early age that failure is not disgrace. It's just a pitch that you missed, and you'd better get ready for the next one. The next one might be the shot heard round the world. My son and I are Americans, we prepare for glory by failing until we don't.