Quotes & Jokes by Craig Ferguson / page 14
Santa blows all these shipping companies away. He delivers more than 2 billion packages in just 24 hours. He does it by sleigh. He doesn’t use tracking numbers and doesn’t use trucks. He just uses midgets and a giant bag.
Love at first sight is not rare, in fact it is extremely common, it happens to some people a few times a year. The feeling of "what if" when meeting the eyes of a stranger can be love unrecognized.
I have that hypocrisy of a parent in that I'm like, 'Come on, you've got to toughen up at the same time let me take care of that for you.'
A lot of people in their 30's get nostalgic for their teen years. Then they get jobs in TV, become bitter and jaded and prematurely old. Then they turn their nostalgia into great television.
I come from a very critical culture. You know the Scots. They're always saying: 'Oh, no. It will never work. You'll never amount to anything. You've got to know your place in the world.'
Nobody talks about sex in Scotland. Scottish gynecologists don't even talk about sex. It's just like: 'Get up on the table there, Mrs. Henderson. Lift up your skirt. We'll take a look at your magic baby door.'
I am the Saudi Arabia of unhappiness. I have so many reserves of misery that you wouldn't understand. I actually think that's part of why I connect with Canadians. I think they understand grinding misery underneath.
Maybe fear is God's way of saying, "Pay attention, this could be fun".
We wanted something different this year. We're still keeping the musicianship, as opposed to it being a jam band fest. There's also a lot more standard bluegrass acts and we've never had an act like Bobby McFerrin before. You don't have to be a bluegrass artist - you just have to be a great artist to fit in at Telluride.
Pseudoscience describes theories that sound like science but are actually just made up, like aromatherapy or biorhythms or love.
I said that the only way I could have a band that would work in the format of my show is if the band were crap. So if I have a band they'd have to really suck.
For example, in Paris, if one desires to buy something, you enter the store and say "Good morning, sir" or "madam," depending on what is appropriate, you wait until you are greeted, you make polite chitchat about the weather or some such, and when the salesperson asks what they can do for you, then and only then do you bring up the vulgar business of the transaction you require.
It was on this day that the Bahamas declared independence. Before that they were a British colony. The British Empire lost Canada and the Bahamas, to name just a couple. Britain’s been dumped more times than Taylor Swift. But did they go writing whining songs about it? No.