Quotes & Jokes by Craig Ferguson / page 15

My pilot's license. I'm proud of that.

I think we look back at times past with fondness because we were younger. Life had not yet begun pecking away at our innocence like buzzards on fresh road kill.

Thanks cows. I appreciate your tastiness.

He will know from and early age that failure is not disgrace. It's just a pitch that you missed, and you'd better get ready for the next one. The next one might be the shot heard round the world. My son and I are Americans, we prepare for glory by failing until we don't.

Don't ever rope me in as a late-night talk show host. I don't want to be one.

Dell Computers announced they're releasing a competitor for the iPad. Now it is, in fact, a great alternative for people who already have an iPad, but are fed up with it working all the time.

I think I'll be Scottish in every movie I write. They always try to talk me out of it, but Woody Allen is always a nebbish New Yorker. Why shouldn't I be a goofy Glaswegian?

Sometimes my pathology just spills out into the camera, doesn't it?

I was ambitious and desperate to direct my first film, so I capitulated and blew it. Never again. Never fucking again.

Former president George W. Bush released his new memoir. By the way, 'memoir' is just a fancy word for 'a bunch of stuff that happened to me.'

You gotta laugh because if you didn't you'd cry.

If I start giving people what they like I'll turn into one of them and I don't want to be one of them I want to be one of me.

This story is true. Of course, there are many lies therein and most of it did not happen, but it's all true. In that sense it is deeply religious, perhaps even biblical.

I realized women and humor were linked very closely.

I'm gonna enjoy being old I think I'll be awesome at it.