Quotes & Jokes by Craig Ferguson / page 15

That's why Credit card companies are evil. Are they sponsoring the show tonight? They are Evil.

You know, I think there's a good rule of thumb here: Don't take nutritional advice from other species.

Being guilty tends to engender feelings of guilt.

A lot of people in their 30's get nostalgic for their teen years. Then they get jobs in TV, become bitter and jaded and prematurely old. Then they turn their nostalgia into great television.

It's like a sort of internet Ren Fair. Its like Dungeons & Dragons but for cool people who have got friends.

I come from a very critical culture. You know the Scots. They're always saying: 'Oh, no. It will never work. You'll never amount to anything. You've got to know your place in the world.'

I have that hypocrisy of a parent in that I'm like, 'Come on, you've got to toughen up at the same time let me take care of that for you.'

My pilot's license. I'm proud of that.

I think I'll be Scottish in every movie I write. They always try to talk me out of it, but Woody Allen is always a nebbish New Yorker. Why shouldn't I be a goofy Glaswegian?

I don't think wood was discovered in Britain until the 1970's. That's when I discovered it anyway.

Pseudoscience describes theories that sound like science but are actually just made up, like aromatherapy or biorhythms or love.

Maybe fear is God's way of saying, "Pay attention, this could be fun".

I said that the only way I could have a band that would work in the format of my show is if the band were crap. So if I have a band they'd have to really suck.

If it doesn't work, at least it will be an interesting train wreck.

If you can't trust, you can't be trustworthy.