Quotes & Jokes by Craig Ferguson / page 15
He will know from and early age that failure is not disgrace. It's just a pitch that you missed, and you'd better get ready for the next one. The next one might be the shot heard round the world. My son and I are Americans, we prepare for glory by failing until we don't.
You know, I think there's a good rule of thumb here: Don't take nutritional advice from other species.
I have that hypocrisy of a parent in that I'm like, 'Come on, you've got to toughen up at the same time let me take care of that for you.'
Pseudoscience describes theories that sound like science but are actually just made up, like aromatherapy or biorhythms or love.
A lot of people in their 30's get nostalgic for their teen years. Then they get jobs in TV, become bitter and jaded and prematurely old. Then they turn their nostalgia into great television.
I come from a very critical culture. You know the Scots. They're always saying: 'Oh, no. It will never work. You'll never amount to anything. You've got to know your place in the world.'
It's like a sort of internet Ren Fair. Its like Dungeons & Dragons but for cool people who have got friends.
I said that the only way I could have a band that would work in the format of my show is if the band were crap. So if I have a band they'd have to really suck.
I think I'll be Scottish in every movie I write. They always try to talk me out of it, but Woody Allen is always a nebbish New Yorker. Why shouldn't I be a goofy Glaswegian?
Maybe fear is God's way of saying, "Pay attention, this could be fun".
I don’t think being a comedian gives you any fucking insight into what makes people laugh.
I am the Saudi Arabia of unhappiness. I have so many reserves of misery that you wouldn't understand. I actually think that's part of why I connect with Canadians. I think they understand grinding misery underneath.