Quotes & Jokes by Craig Ferguson / page 15

"World War Z" is out today. The big zombie movie. The trailer looks scary. You see hordes of bodies climbing and rolling over each other. It’s like Black Friday at the mall.

I have that hypocrisy of a parent in that I'm like, 'Come on, you've got to toughen up at the same time let me take care of that for you.'

You know, I think there's a good rule of thumb here: Don't take nutritional advice from other species.

A lot of people in their 30's get nostalgic for their teen years. Then they get jobs in TV, become bitter and jaded and prematurely old. Then they turn their nostalgia into great television.

Time is only linear for engineers and referees.

I said that the only way I could have a band that would work in the format of my show is if the band were crap. So if I have a band they'd have to really suck.

Maybe fear is God's way of saying, "Pay attention, this could be fun".

Nothing says romance like hobos, martyrs and decapitations.

It's like a sort of internet Ren Fair. Its like Dungeons & Dragons but for cool people who have got friends.

I think I'll be Scottish in every movie I write. They always try to talk me out of it, but Woody Allen is always a nebbish New Yorker. Why shouldn't I be a goofy Glaswegian?

I don't think wood was discovered in Britain until the 1970's. That's when I discovered it anyway.

Being guilty tends to engender feelings of guilt.

If it doesn't work, at least it will be an interesting train wreck.

I became a terrible drunk or alcoholic - or a good one depending on your point of view.

Sometimes, in order to follow one’s heart, one must do the wrong thing. Now, I’m not absolving anyone of their actions; you have to be responsible for your actions, sick or well, you have to be, you just have to be. All of us are accountable.