Quotes & Jokes by Craig Ferguson / page 15

"World War Z" is out today. The big zombie movie. The trailer looks scary. You see hordes of bodies climbing and rolling over each other. It’s like Black Friday at the mall.

You know, I think there's a good rule of thumb here: Don't take nutritional advice from other species.

A lot of people in their 30's get nostalgic for their teen years. Then they get jobs in TV, become bitter and jaded and prematurely old. Then they turn their nostalgia into great television.

I have that hypocrisy of a parent in that I'm like, 'Come on, you've got to toughen up at the same time let me take care of that for you.'

It's like a sort of internet Ren Fair. Its like Dungeons & Dragons but for cool people who have got friends.

I said that the only way I could have a band that would work in the format of my show is if the band were crap. So if I have a band they'd have to really suck.

Time is only linear for engineers and referees.

Being guilty tends to engender feelings of guilt.

If you can't trust, you can't be trustworthy.

Nothing says romance like hobos, martyrs and decapitations.

I think I'll be Scottish in every movie I write. They always try to talk me out of it, but Woody Allen is always a nebbish New Yorker. Why shouldn't I be a goofy Glaswegian?

I come from a very critical culture. You know the Scots. They're always saying: 'Oh, no. It will never work. You'll never amount to anything. You've got to know your place in the world.'

My pilot's license. I'm proud of that.

If it doesn't work, at least it will be an interesting train wreck.

I don't think wood was discovered in Britain until the 1970's. That's when I discovered it anyway.