Quotes & Jokes by Craig Ferguson / page 16

I was ambitious and desperate to direct my first film, so I capitulated and blew it. Never again. Never fucking again.

If you can't trust, you can't be trustworthy.

Time is only linear for engineers and referees.

Dell Computers announced they're releasing a competitor for the iPad. Now it is, in fact, a great alternative for people who already have an iPad, but are fed up with it working all the time.

If it doesn't work, at least it will be an interesting train wreck.

Nothing says romance like hobos, martyrs and decapitations.

I became a terrible drunk or alcoholic - or a good one depending on your point of view.

It was on this day that the Bahamas declared independence. Before that they were a British colony. The British Empire lost Canada and the Bahamas, to name just a couple. Britain’s been dumped more times than Taylor Swift. But did they go writing whining songs about it? No.

I'm gonna enjoy being old I think I'll be awesome at it.

It's totally free. It is the complete freedom of performance. The first time the monologue is performed is when you see it on TV, and it'll never be seen again. It's pure TV. Bam! It's there, and then it's gone.

I realized women and humor were linked very closely.

It seemed that I performed better sober than drunk. Who knew?

It's like, it's kind of like if you ever had a car and it was a bit of a clunker but you love it, that's my show. It's a bit of a clunker but I know where everything is and I like it.

You clap. The Censor wakes up. We all get into trouble.

It's a great day for America, everybody! It's Monday, woo.