Quotes & Jokes by Craig Ferguson / page 16

Pseudoscience describes theories that sound like science but are actually just made up, like aromatherapy or biorhythms or love.

It seemed that I performed better sober than drunk. Who knew?

If you can't trust, you can't be trustworthy.

My pilot's license. I'm proud of that.

I'm gonna enjoy being old I think I'll be awesome at it.

I come from a very critical culture. You know the Scots. They're always saying: 'Oh, no. It will never work. You'll never amount to anything. You've got to know your place in the world.'

Twas the night before Thanksgiving. All the food's in the oven. And I'm in the bedroom performin' self lovin'.

The views expressed by me are in no way endorsed by CBS any of its allied companies or in fact me.

This is my first week as an American citizen. It's amazing. Now I can vote in the general election - and for American Idol.

I am the Saudi Arabia of unhappiness. I have so many reserves of misery that you wouldn't understand. I actually think that's part of why I connect with Canadians. I think they understand grinding misery underneath.

I view my own body as a petting zoo. I am the main attraction... And the only customer.

I realized women and humor were linked very closely.

I don’t think being a comedian gives you any fucking insight into what makes people laugh.

Dell Computers announced they're releasing a competitor for the iPad. Now it is, in fact, a great alternative for people who already have an iPad, but are fed up with it working all the time.

It was on this day that the Bahamas declared independence. Before that they were a British colony. The British Empire lost Canada and the Bahamas, to name just a couple. Britain’s been dumped more times than Taylor Swift. But did they go writing whining songs about it? No.