Quotes & Jokes by Craig Ferguson / page 16

It's totally free. It is the complete freedom of performance. The first time the monologue is performed is when you see it on TV, and it'll never be seen again. It's pure TV. Bam! It's there, and then it's gone.

This is my first week as an American citizen. It's amazing. Now I can vote in the general election - and for American Idol.

Nothing says romance like hobos, martyrs and decapitations.

There's something spiritual in hard work. Spirituality isn't all aromatherapy and scented candles.

People are saying that Anderson Cooper could be the new Oprah. And then these people are struck by lightning.

You clap. The Censor wakes up. We all get into trouble.

The views expressed by me are in no way endorsed by CBS any of its allied companies or in fact me.

It seemed that I performed better sober than drunk. Who knew?

Sometimes, in order to follow one’s heart, one must do the wrong thing. Now, I’m not absolving anyone of their actions; you have to be responsible for your actions, sick or well, you have to be, you just have to be. All of us are accountable.

The world can be such a fright, but it belongs to us tonight.

Canada is not the party. Its the apartment above the party.

Scotland is a much lighter and more fun place than I thought it was. I was miserable when I was there. But it wasn't Scotland's fault. It was my circumstances. I was - I hate to say the word humbled - but that's what it felt like. I was wrong about this place. This is a great place full of very fun people.

I had lived in fear of the fabled terrifying visions that assail chronic drinkers, but which had not yet attacked me.

I am reasonably happy. I didn't find Jesus or anything like that. Part of it is that I just feel that I could go home. I did not feel like that for a long time, but I could go back now.

Why do people do things that they fear? It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear.