Quotes & Jokes by Craig Ferguson / page 16
I don’t think being a comedian gives you any fucking insight into what makes people laugh.
I am the Saudi Arabia of unhappiness. I have so many reserves of misery that you wouldn't understand. I actually think that's part of why I connect with Canadians. I think they understand grinding misery underneath.
I was ambitious and desperate to direct my first film, so I capitulated and blew it. Never again. Never fucking again.
Dell Computers announced they're releasing a competitor for the iPad. Now it is, in fact, a great alternative for people who already have an iPad, but are fed up with it working all the time.
It was on this day that the Bahamas declared independence. Before that they were a British colony. The British Empire lost Canada and the Bahamas, to name just a couple. Britain’s been dumped more times than Taylor Swift. But did they go writing whining songs about it? No.
It's like, it's kind of like if you ever had a car and it was a bit of a clunker but you love it, that's my show. It's a bit of a clunker but I know where everything is and I like it.
I became a terrible drunk or alcoholic - or a good one depending on your point of view.
I view my own body as a petting zoo. I am the main attraction... And the only customer.
The views expressed by me are in no way endorsed by CBS any of its allied companies or in fact me.
It's totally free. It is the complete freedom of performance. The first time the monologue is performed is when you see it on TV, and it'll never be seen again. It's pure TV. Bam! It's there, and then it's gone.