Quotes & Jokes by Craig Ferguson / page 16
This is my first week as an American citizen. It's amazing. Now I can vote in the general election - and for American Idol.
Former president George W. Bush released his new memoir. By the way, 'memoir' is just a fancy word for 'a bunch of stuff that happened to me.'
It's totally free. It is the complete freedom of performance. The first time the monologue is performed is when you see it on TV, and it'll never be seen again. It's pure TV. Bam! It's there, and then it's gone.
This story is true. Of course, there are many lies therein and most of it did not happen, but it's all true. In that sense it is deeply religious, perhaps even biblical.
People are saying that Anderson Cooper could be the new Oprah. And then these people are struck by lightning.
I am reasonably happy. I didn't find Jesus or anything like that. Part of it is that I just feel that I could go home. I did not feel like that for a long time, but I could go back now.
Scotland is a much lighter and more fun place than I thought it was. I was miserable when I was there. But it wasn't Scotland's fault. It was my circumstances. I was - I hate to say the word humbled - but that's what it felt like. I was wrong about this place. This is a great place full of very fun people.
The views expressed by me are in no way endorsed by CBS any of its allied companies or in fact me.
I had lived in fear of the fabled terrifying visions that assail chronic drinkers, but which had not yet attacked me.