Quotes & Jokes by Craig Ferguson / page 16

This is my first week as an American citizen. It's amazing. Now I can vote in the general election - and for American Idol.

Pseudoscience describes theories that sound like science but are actually just made up, like aromatherapy or biorhythms or love.

I don’t think being a comedian gives you any fucking insight into what makes people laugh.

I view my own body as a petting zoo. I am the main attraction... And the only customer.

It was on this day that the Bahamas declared independence. Before that they were a British colony. The British Empire lost Canada and the Bahamas, to name just a couple. Britain’s been dumped more times than Taylor Swift. But did they go writing whining songs about it? No.

Thanks cows. I appreciate your tastiness.

If it doesn't work, at least it will be an interesting train wreck.

It's a great day for America, everybody! It's Monday, woo.

I realized women and humor were linked very closely.

Sometimes, in order to follow one’s heart, one must do the wrong thing. Now, I’m not absolving anyone of their actions; you have to be responsible for your actions, sick or well, you have to be, you just have to be. All of us are accountable.

If you can't trust, you can't be trustworthy.

Being guilty tends to engender feelings of guilt.

I'm gonna enjoy being old I think I'll be awesome at it.

You clap. The Censor wakes up. We all get into trouble.

I come from a very critical culture. You know the Scots. They're always saying: 'Oh, no. It will never work. You'll never amount to anything. You've got to know your place in the world.'