Quotes & Jokes by Craig Ferguson / page 16

Maybe fear is God's way of saying, "Pay attention, this could be fun".

I realized women and humor were linked very closely.

I'm gonna enjoy being old I think I'll be awesome at it.

Twas the night before Thanksgiving. All the food's in the oven. And I'm in the bedroom performin' self lovin'.

I became a terrible drunk or alcoholic - or a good one depending on your point of view.

The views expressed by me are in no way endorsed by CBS any of its allied companies or in fact me.

It seemed that I performed better sober than drunk. Who knew?

I am the Saudi Arabia of unhappiness. I have so many reserves of misery that you wouldn't understand. I actually think that's part of why I connect with Canadians. I think they understand grinding misery underneath.

Pseudoscience describes theories that sound like science but are actually just made up, like aromatherapy or biorhythms or love.

I view my own body as a petting zoo. I am the main attraction... And the only customer.

It's like, it's kind of like if you ever had a car and it was a bit of a clunker but you love it, that's my show. It's a bit of a clunker but I know where everything is and I like it.

I don’t think being a comedian gives you any fucking insight into what makes people laugh.

Don't ever rope me in as a late-night talk show host. I don't want to be one.

Thanks cows. I appreciate your tastiness.

This is my first week as an American citizen. It's amazing. Now I can vote in the general election - and for American Idol.