Quotes & Jokes by Craig Ferguson / page 17
From this moment on I'd dedicate my life to rock and roll and take as many drugs as possible. What could possibly go wrong?
After all this time I found that the novel is in fact punk rock.
Historically, when Americans don't know what to do next, they go to Paris. Benjamin Franklin is like: 'What am I going to do now? I'll go to Paris!'
A new study says by 2030 household robots will dominate every phase of our lives. The study says the No. 1 field for robot growth is medicine. That makes sense. Robots already perform well in surgery. That is, until there is a power outage. Then it’s just a coat rack leaning over you as you bleed to death.
Friday's turmoil in global markets looks set to continue to exert a dominant force on the foreign exchange markets. The usual trend when U.S. stocks fall is that the U.S. dollar suffers.
I'm reading a book, because I'm brainy. No, it is a book - if you don't know, it is like a blog except bigger.
You know, I think there's a good rule of thumb here: Don't take nutritional advice from other species.
I found the prospect daunting, but somehow comforting, too, because the counselors insisted it could be done, and, after all, many of them were recovering alcoholics themselves.
This is a great day for people who do what I do, this is a great day for talk-show hosts. Remember when Dick Cheney shot his lawyer in the face? It's like one of those days. It's like when Mel Gibson went crazy and blamed the Jewish people for everything, it's one of those days, it's fantastic.
Late night is no different than making a film, really, except that it's faster, and if you do a crap one, you can do a better one tomorrow. Writing a novel and doing stand-up - that stuff is very similar.
Twas the night before Thanksgiving. All the food's in the oven. And I'm in the bedroom performin' self lovin'.