Quotes & Jokes by Craig Ferguson / page 17
Sometimes, in order to follow one’s heart, one must do the wrong thing. Now, I’m not absolving anyone of their actions; you have to be responsible for your actions, sick or well, you have to be, you just have to be. All of us are accountable.
Historically, when Americans don't know what to do next, they go to Paris. Benjamin Franklin is like: 'What am I going to do now? I'll go to Paris!'
I was ambitious and desperate to direct my first film, so I capitulated and blew it. Never again. Never fucking again.
People are saying that Anderson Cooper could be the new Oprah. And then these people are struck by lightning.
Dell Computers announced they're releasing a competitor for the iPad. Now it is, in fact, a great alternative for people who already have an iPad, but are fed up with it working all the time.
It was on this day that the Bahamas declared independence. Before that they were a British colony. The British Empire lost Canada and the Bahamas, to name just a couple. Britain’s been dumped more times than Taylor Swift. But did they go writing whining songs about it? No.
This story is true. Of course, there are many lies therein and most of it did not happen, but it's all true. In that sense it is deeply religious, perhaps even biblical.
I think we look back at times past with fondness because we were younger. Life had not yet begun pecking away at our innocence like buzzards on fresh road kill.
Appear tougher or cooler or funnier than you feel and there is a chance you’ll make it.
Why do people do things that they fear? It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear.
Old people really do have a secret though. You wanna know what it is? Luck.