Quotes & Jokes by Craig Ferguson / page 17

I view my own body as a petting zoo. I am the main attraction... And the only customer.

Appear tougher or cooler or funnier than you feel and there is a chance you’ll make it.

I think we look back at times past with fondness because we were younger. Life had not yet begun pecking away at our innocence like buzzards on fresh road kill.

Thanks cows. I appreciate your tastiness.

Twas the night before Thanksgiving. All the food's in the oven. And I'm in the bedroom performin' self lovin'.

This story is true. Of course, there are many lies therein and most of it did not happen, but it's all true. In that sense it is deeply religious, perhaps even biblical.

Canada is not the party. Its the apartment above the party.

Don't ever rope me in as a late-night talk show host. I don't want to be one.

People are saying that Anderson Cooper could be the new Oprah. And then these people are struck by lightning.

Historically, when Americans don't know what to do next, they go to Paris. Benjamin Franklin is like: 'What am I going to do now? I'll go to Paris!'

Why do people do things that they fear? It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear.

The views expressed by me are in no way endorsed by CBS any of its allied companies or in fact me.

This is my first week as an American citizen. It's amazing. Now I can vote in the general election - and for American Idol.

There is a new bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This bill would give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because he did. But because he just signed up for Match.com.

Friday's turmoil in global markets looks set to continue to exert a dominant force on the foreign exchange markets. The usual trend when U.S. stocks fall is that the U.S. dollar suffers.