Quotes & Jokes by Craig Ferguson / page 17

You clap. The Censor wakes up. We all get into trouble.

I realized women and humor were linked very closely.

Don't ever rope me in as a late-night talk show host. I don't want to be one.

I think we look back at times past with fondness because we were younger. Life had not yet begun pecking away at our innocence like buzzards on fresh road kill.

It's a great day for America, everybody! It's Monday, woo.

Historically, when Americans don't know what to do next, they go to Paris. Benjamin Franklin is like: 'What am I going to do now? I'll go to Paris!'

Appear tougher or cooler or funnier than you feel and there is a chance you’ll make it.

Why do people do things that they fear? It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear.

Canada is not the party. Its the apartment above the party.

Twas the night before Thanksgiving. All the food's in the oven. And I'm in the bedroom performin' self lovin'.

This is my first week as an American citizen. It's amazing. Now I can vote in the general election - and for American Idol.

People are saying that Anderson Cooper could be the new Oprah. And then these people are struck by lightning.

Late night is no different than making a film, really, except that it's faster, and if you do a crap one, you can do a better one tomorrow. Writing a novel and doing stand-up - that stuff is very similar.

Friday's turmoil in global markets looks set to continue to exert a dominant force on the foreign exchange markets. The usual trend when U.S. stocks fall is that the U.S. dollar suffers.

This story is true. Of course, there are many lies therein and most of it did not happen, but it's all true. In that sense it is deeply religious, perhaps even biblical.