Quotes & Jokes by Craig Ferguson / page 18

Twas the night before Thanksgiving. All the food's in the oven. And I'm in the bedroom performin' self lovin'.

There is a new bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This bill would give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because he did. But because he just signed up for Match.com.

A woman in Germany gave birth to a 13 1/2 pound baby. That baby was so fat his first word was "strudel."

If you can't trust, you can't be trustworthy.

The 3-D effects in "Star Wars" are so realistic, you can actually see George Lucas reaching from the screen and taking the money from your wallet.

When I stopped drinking, it was only because I thought if I don't stop, I'm going to die.

That's why I believe in a Constitution which separates church from state. I've seen what happens when they get in cahoots.

I don't think wood was discovered in Britain until the 1970's. That's when I discovered it anyway.

I think when you become a parent you go from being a star in the movie of your own life to the supporting player in the movie of someone else's.

School did give me one of the greatest gifts of my life, though. I learned how to read, and for that I remain thankful. I would have died otherwise. As soon as I was able, I read, alone. Under the covers with a flashlight or in my corner of the attic - I sought solace in books. It was from books that I started to get an inkling of the kinds of assholes I was dealing with. I found allies too, in books, characters my age who were going through or had triumphed against the same bullshit.

They could have gotten help for this infertility but they believed that interfering with the reproductive process, even if it was faulty, was anti-God. It was against His plan. It never occurred to them that God may have provided the world with a vast array of very brainy medical types for the very reason of solving problems such as theirs. However, there is one thing that the medical profession cannot do and that is save people from being idiots.

People sometimes say to me: "Craig, get out of my garden."

I do a public access show with puppets. Puppets called actors, TV and movie stars.

I know the fashion is that everything is fair game for comedy material but I don't believe that.

If you absolutely believe that what you do is right, you're bullet-proof.