Quotes & Jokes by Craig Ferguson / page 18

Late night is no different than making a film, really, except that it's faster, and if you do a crap one, you can do a better one tomorrow. Writing a novel and doing stand-up - that stuff is very similar.

It's totally free. It is the complete freedom of performance. The first time the monologue is performed is when you see it on TV, and it'll never be seen again. It's pure TV. Bam! It's there, and then it's gone.

Friday's turmoil in global markets looks set to continue to exert a dominant force on the foreign exchange markets. The usual trend when U.S. stocks fall is that the U.S. dollar suffers.

There is a new bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This bill would give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because he did. But because he just signed up for Match.com.

It's a great day for Sarah Palin. She was hired as a commentator for Fox News. She signed a multi-year contract, which means she'll probably quit after a year.

I've been running my whole life. Running into bars, running around the world. But when you have a child, you can't run. That was a revelation.

It's not that we fly by the seat of our pants. We're not afraid of failure.

Is it really that important? It's just television, for God's sake. It's not medicine or something.

I had lived in fear of the fabled terrifying visions that assail chronic drinkers, but which had not yet attacked me.

I'm reading a book, because I'm brainy. No, it is a book - if you don't know, it is like a blog except bigger.

I think when you become a parent you go from being a star in the movie of your own life to the supporting player in the movie of someone else's.

Remember the band, Flock of Seagulls? They had their van stolen. I was like, "They still have a van?"

When you need to borrow money the Mob seems like a better deal I think. 'You don't pay me back I break both yer legs.' Is that all? You won't take my house or wreck my credit rating? Fine where do I sign. Legs? Fine. You don't even have to sign anything.

I don’t know much about the Supreme Court. If it’s anything like the Supreme Taco, it’s like a regular court, but with extra sour cream.

I found the prospect daunting, but somehow comforting, too, because the counselors insisted it could be done, and, after all, many of them were recovering alcoholics themselves.