Quotes & Jokes by Craig Ferguson / page 18

Sometimes, in order to follow one’s heart, one must do the wrong thing. Now, I’m not absolving anyone of their actions; you have to be responsible for your actions, sick or well, you have to be, you just have to be. All of us are accountable.

I have no ambitions beyond being comfortable in what I do for a living - and earning a living.

There is a new bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This bill would give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because he did. But because he just signed up for Match.com.

It's not that we fly by the seat of our pants. We're not afraid of failure.

I've been running my whole life. Running into bars, running around the world. But when you have a child, you can't run. That was a revelation.

Is it really that important? It's just television, for God's sake. It's not medicine or something.

I'm reading a book, because I'm brainy. No, it is a book - if you don't know, it is like a blog except bigger.

I had lived in fear of the fabled terrifying visions that assail chronic drinkers, but which had not yet attacked me.

I think when you become a parent you go from being a star in the movie of your own life to the supporting player in the movie of someone else's.

Old people really do have a secret though. You wanna know what it is? Luck.

It's a great day for Sarah Palin. She was hired as a commentator for Fox News. She signed a multi-year contract, which means she'll probably quit after a year.

It turns out that speeding irresponsibly in a large truck, placing personal wealth ahead of the welfare of others, is one of the greatest sins in the Universe...

When you need to borrow money the Mob seems like a better deal I think. 'You don't pay me back I break both yer legs.' Is that all? You won't take my house or wreck my credit rating? Fine where do I sign. Legs? Fine. You don't even have to sign anything.

You know who sang at Rush Limbaugh's wedding? Elton John! According to Rush, gay people can sing at weddings. Just not their own.

It's tricky turning a book into a movie. Sometimes people love the book so much that no adaptation lives up to what they imagined. You can avoid that disappointment by never, ever reading books.