Quotes & Jokes by Craig Ferguson / page 18
Historically, when Americans don't know what to do next, they go to Paris. Benjamin Franklin is like: 'What am I going to do now? I'll go to Paris!'
Friday's turmoil in global markets looks set to continue to exert a dominant force on the foreign exchange markets. The usual trend when U.S. stocks fall is that the U.S. dollar suffers.
Old people really do have a secret though. You wanna know what it is? Luck.
There is a new bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This bill would give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because he did. But because he just signed up for Match.com.
It's a great day for Sarah Palin. She was hired as a commentator for Fox News. She signed a multi-year contract, which means she'll probably quit after a year.
I've been running my whole life. Running into bars, running around the world. But when you have a child, you can't run. That was a revelation.
I had lived in fear of the fabled terrifying visions that assail chronic drinkers, but which had not yet attacked me.
I think when you become a parent you go from being a star in the movie of your own life to the supporting player in the movie of someone else's.
Is it really that important? It's just television, for God's sake. It's not medicine or something.
Remember the band, Flock of Seagulls? They had their van stolen. I was like, "They still have a van?"
It's not that we fly by the seat of our pants. We're not afraid of failure.
I'm reading a book, because I'm brainy. No, it is a book - if you don't know, it is like a blog except bigger.
If you absolutely believe that what you do is right, you're bullet-proof.
I don’t know much about the Supreme Court. If it’s anything like the Supreme Taco, it’s like a regular court, but with extra sour cream.