Quotes & Jokes by Craig Ferguson / page 18
I have no ambitions beyond being comfortable in what I do for a living - and earning a living.
It's totally free. It is the complete freedom of performance. The first time the monologue is performed is when you see it on TV, and it'll never be seen again. It's pure TV. Bam! It's there, and then it's gone.
Old people really do have a secret though. You wanna know what it is? Luck.
It's a great day for Sarah Palin. She was hired as a commentator for Fox News. She signed a multi-year contract, which means she'll probably quit after a year.
There is a new bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This bill would give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because he did. But because he just signed up for Match.com.
It's not that we fly by the seat of our pants. We're not afraid of failure.
I had lived in fear of the fabled terrifying visions that assail chronic drinkers, but which had not yet attacked me.
I've been running my whole life. Running into bars, running around the world. But when you have a child, you can't run. That was a revelation.
I think when you become a parent you go from being a star in the movie of your own life to the supporting player in the movie of someone else's.
Is it really that important? It's just television, for God's sake. It's not medicine or something.
If you absolutely believe that what you do is right, you're bullet-proof.
Remember the band, Flock of Seagulls? They had their van stolen. I was like, "They still have a van?"
I found the prospect daunting, but somehow comforting, too, because the counselors insisted it could be done, and, after all, many of them were recovering alcoholics themselves.
When you need to borrow money the Mob seems like a better deal I think. 'You don't pay me back I break both yer legs.' Is that all? You won't take my house or wreck my credit rating? Fine where do I sign. Legs? Fine. You don't even have to sign anything.