Quotes & Jokes by Craig Ferguson / page 18
There is a new bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This bill would give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because he did. But because he just signed up for Match.com.
Every day I ran to that book like it was a bottle of whiskey and crawled inside because it was a world that I had at least some control over, and slowly, in time, it began to take shape.
That's why I believe in a Constitution which separates church from state. I've seen what happens when they get in cahoots.
I do a public access show with puppets. Puppets called actors, TV and movie stars.
It's like a sort of internet Ren Fair. Its like Dungeons & Dragons but for cool people who have got friends.
I think when you become a parent you go from being a star in the movie of your own life to the supporting player in the movie of someone else's.
When you need to borrow money the Mob seems like a better deal I think. 'You don't pay me back I break both yer legs.' Is that all? You won't take my house or wreck my credit rating? Fine where do I sign. Legs? Fine. You don't even have to sign anything.
I don’t think being a comedian gives you any fucking insight into what makes people laugh.
It turns out that speeding irresponsibly in a large truck, placing personal wealth ahead of the welfare of others, is one of the greatest sins in the Universe...
It's tricky turning a book into a movie. Sometimes people love the book so much that no adaptation lives up to what they imagined. You can avoid that disappointment by never, ever reading books.
The 3-D effects in "Star Wars" are so realistic, you can actually see George Lucas reaching from the screen and taking the money from your wallet.
A woman in Germany gave birth to a 13 1/2 pound baby. That baby was so fat his first word was "strudel."
I used to psych myself up before the show and now I do the complete opposite: I psych myself down. It's 12:30 at night, you don't want some guy yelling at you. You want some guy just talking to you.
I know the fashion is that everything is fair game for comedy material but I don't believe that.