Quotes & Jokes by Craig Ferguson / page 20

Time is only linear for engineers and referees.

Bush's memoir is 512 pages. To be fair, 200 of those pages are just games and puzzles.

It's clearly yen positive, especially when China is gradually allowing the yuan to appreciate day by day.

I've been running my whole life. Running into bars, running around the world. But when you have a child, you can't run. That was a revelation.

Remember the band, Flock of Seagulls? They had their van stolen. I was like, "They still have a van?"

I've got mixed feelings about poetry cause done well poetry is fantastic. But not many people are capable of doing it well. I think you should have some kind of license to perform poetry. A poetic license perhaps.

There are rumors that there is a John Edwards sex tape. People say it's twenty minutes of Edwards caressing and stroking... And that's just the part where he fixes his hair.

Appear tougher or cooler or funnier than you feel and there is a chance you’ll make it.

Everything I think of now is too rude to actually say.

It's the time of year when Canadians mate.

I have no ambitions beyond being comfortable in what I do for a living - and earning a living.

I aim to please. I'm nothing if not a vaudevillian.

They were singing, Gillette, the best a man can get, with a lot of guys hugging their fathers and sailing and riding bikes. I suddenly felt a long way from the best a man could get and I thought it would be nice to get from there to the best.

When in doubt about who's to blame, blame the English.

Got married again and I went on the Internet to see how happy everyone was for me. Fucking hell, it was awful. One woman... she said, 'Married again, eh? She's a user and he's a pervert.' And I'm like, 'How do they know us?'