Quotes & Jokes by Craig Ferguson / page 20

People sometimes say to me: "Craig, get out of my garden."

Jimmy put in a word and told them that if I made it, I wouldn't be able to live with myself without paying them back. That I'd sooner die than owe anyone money for helping me. Apparently Jimmy knew more about me at that point than I knew about myself.

I've been running my whole life. Running into bars, running around the world. But when you have a child, you can't run. That was a revelation.

Remember the band, Flock of Seagulls? They had their van stolen. I was like, "They still have a van?"

Wait! Don't applaud my cheapness! I've got other crap I need help with!

Everything I think of now is too rude to actually say.

It's the time of year when Canadians mate.

There are rumors that there is a John Edwards sex tape. People say it's twenty minutes of Edwards caressing and stroking... And that's just the part where he fixes his hair.

I try and live my life in bite-size chunks.

I aim to please. I'm nothing if not a vaudevillian.

When in doubt about who's to blame, blame the English.

Appear tougher or cooler or funnier than you feel and there is a chance you’ll make it.

I have no ambitions beyond being comfortable in what I do for a living - and earning a living.

There's just a feeling you get from certain things you do in life that just kind of feel pure and independent of what's actually, physically, going on.

I only like sports that Bond villains played.