Quotes & Jokes by Craig Ferguson / page 20

This is a great day for people who do what I do, this is a great day for talk-show hosts. Remember when Dick Cheney shot his lawyer in the face? It's like one of those days. It's like when Mel Gibson went crazy and blamed the Jewish people for everything, it's one of those days, it's fantastic.

If the Fed ceases hiking, against the backdrop of still rising commodity prices, then the Australian dollar will have few reasons for resisting any topside advances.

I've got mixed feelings about poetry cause done well poetry is fantastic. But not many people are capable of doing it well. I think you should have some kind of license to perform poetry. A poetic license perhaps.

Sometimes they would just pay me to stay home and not do anything else, which sounds fantastic but doesn't do much for your ego. Its probably a little like getting alimony-the money is nice but has a nasty aftertaste.

If you absolutely believe that what you do is right, you're bullet-proof.

It's clearly yen positive, especially when China is gradually allowing the yuan to appreciate day by day.

School did give me one of the greatest gifts of my life, though. I learned how to read, and for that I remain thankful. I would have died otherwise. As soon as I was able, I read, alone. Under the covers with a flashlight or in my corner of the attic - I sought solace in books. It was from books that I started to get an inkling of the kinds of assholes I was dealing with. I found allies too, in books, characters my age who were going through or had triumphed against the same bullshit.

People sometimes say to me: "Craig, get out of my garden."

I do a public access show with puppets. Puppets called actors, TV and movie stars.

They could have gotten help for this infertility but they believed that interfering with the reproductive process, even if it was faulty, was anti-God. It was against His plan. It never occurred to them that God may have provided the world with a vast array of very brainy medical types for the very reason of solving problems such as theirs. However, there is one thing that the medical profession cannot do and that is save people from being idiots.

It's the time of year when Canadians mate.

I enjoy bathing, as many Europeans don't.

Bush's memoir is 512 pages. To be fair, 200 of those pages are just games and puzzles.

It's a book. It's mine. And it's done.

Jimmy put in a word and told them that if I made it, I wouldn't be able to live with myself without paying them back. That I'd sooner die than owe anyone money for helping me. Apparently Jimmy knew more about me at that point than I knew about myself.