Quotes & Jokes by Craig Ferguson / page 21

I enjoy bathing, as many Europeans don't.

I have to do a show which is of interest to me, or else I'm lost.

Got married again and I went on the Internet to see how happy everyone was for me. Fucking hell, it was awful. One woman... she said, 'Married again, eh? She's a user and he's a pervert.' And I'm like, 'How do they know us?'

I found out it is just as hard to make a movie that you are not proud of as it is to make one you love.

Everything I think of now is too rude to actually say.

Valentine’s Day is celebrated a little differently here in L.A. Nobody eats chocolate because of the calories, so people give each other tofu-shaped boxes filled with bean curd. Then they fantasize about what their Pilates instructor would be like if he was straight.

I try and live my life in bite-size chunks.

I wanted to be a rock star.

There's just a feeling you get from certain things you do in life that just kind of feel pure and independent of what's actually, physically, going on.

Anyone who's just driven 90 yards against huge men trying to kill them has earned the right to do Jazz hands.

I don't know now if I'm funny. I just keep talking and hope that I hit something that's funny.

Bush's memoir is 512 pages. To be fair, 200 of those pages are just games and puzzles.

Wait! Don't applaud my cheapness! I've got other crap I need help with!

Did you hear about Mark Sanford, the governor of South Carolina? He mysteriously disappeared last week and nobody knew where he was. Today, Sanford admitted to having an affair in Argentina. I'm like, great, now we're outsourcing mistresses.

It never occurred to them that God may have provided the world with a vast array of very brainy medical types for the very reason of solving problems such as theirs. However, there is one thing that the medical profession cannot do and that is save people from being idiots.