Quotes & Jokes by Craig Ferguson / page 21

Got married again and I went on the Internet to see how happy everyone was for me. Fucking hell, it was awful. One woman... she said, 'Married again, eh? She's a user and he's a pervert.' And I'm like, 'How do they know us?'

It's not that we fly by the seat of our pants. We're not afraid of failure.

It never occurred to them that God may have provided the world with a vast array of very brainy medical types for the very reason of solving problems such as theirs. However, there is one thing that the medical profession cannot do and that is save people from being idiots.

They were singing, Gillette, the best a man can get, with a lot of guys hugging their fathers and sailing and riding bikes. I suddenly felt a long way from the best a man could get and I thought it would be nice to get from there to the best.

It's a book. It's mine. And it's done.

I found out it is just as hard to make a movie that you are not proud of as it is to make one you love.

Anyone who's just driven 90 yards against huge men trying to kill them has earned the right to do Jazz hands.

You know, your whole life you're concerned about money for this and that. And then you don't have to worry about it, so you worry about other stuff.

Look, there is nothing you can say about this show that I don't already know.

Old people really do have a secret though. You wanna know what it is? Luck.

The truth is, you win the Lotto. That's really how you have to approach it. You're a lottery winner when you get a sitcom and it goes.

Lance Armstrong admitted he used performance-enhancing drugs throughout his career. He confessed in front of the most respected judge in the land, Oprah Winfrey.

I think comedy comes more from a low sense of self-esteem, and I certainly have that.

Being the executive producer of a film is not that difficult. It just means that you have some power. There's not a huge amount of skill involved, I don't know how much I'm giving away here. I feel like that guy on Fox, giving away the magicians' tricks. It's not rocket science, being an executive producer of a film.

I don’t know much about the Supreme Court. If it’s anything like the Supreme Taco, it’s like a regular court, but with extra sour cream.