Quotes & Jokes by Craig Ferguson / page 21

It's a book. It's mine. And it's done.

There are rumors that there is a John Edwards sex tape. People say it's twenty minutes of Edwards caressing and stroking... And that's just the part where he fixes his hair.

Everything I think of now is too rude to actually say.

I have to do a show which is of interest to me, or else I'm lost.

Wait! Don't applaud my cheapness! I've got other crap I need help with!

Bush's memoir is 512 pages. To be fair, 200 of those pages are just games and puzzles.

There's just a feeling you get from certain things you do in life that just kind of feel pure and independent of what's actually, physically, going on.

A casino in South Dakota was robbed by a man dressed as a mummy. The police described the suspect as anywhere between 25 and 8,000 years old.

I try and live my life in bite-size chunks.

I wanted to be a rock star.

Today Monopoly added a new game piece: the cat. The new piece was chosen after weeks of online voting. Is that a surprise? Whenever there’s a vote for something on the Internet, the cat always wins.

Got married again and I went on the Internet to see how happy everyone was for me. Fucking hell, it was awful. One woman... she said, 'Married again, eh? She's a user and he's a pervert.' And I'm like, 'How do they know us?'

I found out it is just as hard to make a movie that you are not proud of as it is to make one you love.

Did you hear about Mark Sanford, the governor of South Carolina? He mysteriously disappeared last week and nobody knew where he was. Today, Sanford admitted to having an affair in Argentina. I'm like, great, now we're outsourcing mistresses.

It never occurred to them that God may have provided the world with a vast array of very brainy medical types for the very reason of solving problems such as theirs. However, there is one thing that the medical profession cannot do and that is save people from being idiots.