Quotes & Jokes by Craig Ferguson / page 21

The nation of Iran is threatening to sue the makers of the movie "Argo." They say the movie was an unrealistic portrayal of their country. You can’t do that! That would be like Scotland suing over the movie "Shrek."

Valentine’s Day is celebrated a little differently here in L.A. Nobody eats chocolate because of the calories, so people give each other tofu-shaped boxes filled with bean curd. Then they fantasize about what their Pilates instructor would be like if he was straight.

I have to do a show which is of interest to me, or else I'm lost.

Bush's memoir is 512 pages. To be fair, 200 of those pages are just games and puzzles.

Got married again and I went on the Internet to see how happy everyone was for me. Fucking hell, it was awful. One woman... she said, 'Married again, eh? She's a user and he's a pervert.' And I'm like, 'How do they know us?'

I try and live my life in bite-size chunks.

Wait! Don't applaud my cheapness! I've got other crap I need help with!

Did you hear about Mark Sanford, the governor of South Carolina? He mysteriously disappeared last week and nobody knew where he was. Today, Sanford admitted to having an affair in Argentina. I'm like, great, now we're outsourcing mistresses.

Everything I think of now is too rude to actually say.

There's just a feeling you get from certain things you do in life that just kind of feel pure and independent of what's actually, physically, going on.

Anyone who's just driven 90 yards against huge men trying to kill them has earned the right to do Jazz hands.

I found out it is just as hard to make a movie that you are not proud of as it is to make one you love.

I wanted to be a rock star.

A casino in South Dakota was robbed by a man dressed as a mummy. The police described the suspect as anywhere between 25 and 8,000 years old.

I don't know now if I'm funny. I just keep talking and hope that I hit something that's funny.