Quotes & Jokes by Craig Ferguson / page 21

There are rumors that there is a John Edwards sex tape. People say it's twenty minutes of Edwards caressing and stroking... And that's just the part where he fixes his hair.

There's just a feeling you get from certain things you do in life that just kind of feel pure and independent of what's actually, physically, going on.

I know the fashion is that everything is fair game for comedy material but I don't believe that.

The nation of Iran is threatening to sue the makers of the movie "Argo." They say the movie was an unrealistic portrayal of their country. You can’t do that! That would be like Scotland suing over the movie "Shrek."

I do a public access show with puppets. Puppets called actors, TV and movie stars.

Anyone who's just driven 90 yards against huge men trying to kill them has earned the right to do Jazz hands.

Got married again and I went on the Internet to see how happy everyone was for me. Fucking hell, it was awful. One woman... she said, 'Married again, eh? She's a user and he's a pervert.' And I'm like, 'How do they know us?'

Jimmy put in a word and told them that if I made it, I wouldn't be able to live with myself without paying them back. That I'd sooner die than owe anyone money for helping me. Apparently Jimmy knew more about me at that point than I knew about myself.

I wanted to be a rock star.

A casino in South Dakota was robbed by a man dressed as a mummy. The police described the suspect as anywhere between 25 and 8,000 years old.

Everything I think of now is too rude to actually say.

I think comedy comes more from a low sense of self-esteem, and I certainly have that.

Bush's memoir is 512 pages. To be fair, 200 of those pages are just games and puzzles.

Wait! Don't applaud my cheapness! I've got other crap I need help with!

They say give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. But teach a man to fish and he’ll get his own show on the Discovery Channel.