Quotes & Jokes by Craig Ferguson / page 22
It's a great day for Sarah Palin. She was hired as a commentator for Fox News. She signed a multi-year contract, which means she'll probably quit after a year.
They say give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. But teach a man to fish and he’ll get his own show on the Discovery Channel.
I have to do a show which is of interest to me, or else I'm lost.
Valentine’s Day is celebrated a little differently here in L.A. Nobody eats chocolate because of the calories, so people give each other tofu-shaped boxes filled with bean curd. Then they fantasize about what their Pilates instructor would be like if he was straight.
The nation of Iran is threatening to sue the makers of the movie "Argo." They say the movie was an unrealistic portrayal of their country. You can’t do that! That would be like Scotland suing over the movie "Shrek."
I love the United States. I have applied for citizenship. I want to take the oath of allegiance on TV.
Gas prices - it is $6 a gallon here. People in L.A. are furious. You can’t tell, of course, because of the Botox.
A casino in South Dakota was robbed by a man dressed as a mummy. The police described the suspect as anywhere between 25 and 8,000 years old.
Every day I ran to that book like it was a bottle of whiskey and crawled inside because it was a world that I had at least some control over, and slowly, in time, it began to take shape.
If you watch cooking shows on cable, they have lots of British people. Because when you think good cooking, you immediately think Britain.
I watched the Republican debate. At one point, the candidates said there are no classes in America, a point then hotly debated by all six rich white guys that were there.
Did you hear about Mark Sanford, the governor of South Carolina? He mysteriously disappeared last week and nobody knew where he was. Today, Sanford admitted to having an affair in Argentina. I'm like, great, now we're outsourcing mistresses.