Quotes & Jokes by Craig Ferguson / page 22

A casino in South Dakota was robbed by a man dressed as a mummy. The police described the suspect as anywhere between 25 and 8,000 years old.

They say give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. But teach a man to fish and he’ll get his own show on the Discovery Channel.

Today Monopoly added a new game piece: the cat. The new piece was chosen after weeks of online voting. Is that a surprise? Whenever there’s a vote for something on the Internet, the cat always wins.

You know, your whole life you're concerned about money for this and that. And then you don't have to worry about it, so you worry about other stuff.

Being the executive producer of a film is not that difficult. It just means that you have some power. There's not a huge amount of skill involved, I don't know how much I'm giving away here. I feel like that guy on Fox, giving away the magicians' tricks. It's not rocket science, being an executive producer of a film.

HD doesn't mean anything to me. It's a technical thing. It's like demographics. A lot of people know about it.

In the 1970s vampires were pretty boring. The scariest vampire was Count Chocula. One bite of Count Chocula and you were cursed with Type 2 diabetes.

They were singing, Gillette, the best a man can get, with a lot of guys hugging their fathers and sailing and riding bikes. I suddenly felt a long way from the best a man could get and I thought it would be nice to get from there to the best.

When in doubt about who's to blame, blame the English.

Look, there is nothing you can say about this show that I don't already know.

I think comedy comes more from a low sense of self-esteem, and I certainly have that.

I aim to please. I'm nothing if not a vaudevillian.

I proved to my own satisfaction that I am madder than I think.

Gas prices - it is $6 a gallon here. People in L.A. are furious. You can’t tell, of course, because of the Botox.

I think sometimes that people think brave means not being afraid, which of course it doesn't mean that at all. It means that you're afraid, but you move past that and do it anyway, do what you think is right.