Quotes & Jokes by Craig Ferguson / page 22
Look, there is nothing you can say about this show that I don't already know.
HD doesn't mean anything to me. It's a technical thing. It's like demographics. A lot of people know about it.
Valentine’s Day is celebrated a little differently here in L.A. Nobody eats chocolate because of the calories, so people give each other tofu-shaped boxes filled with bean curd. Then they fantasize about what their Pilates instructor would be like if he was straight.
It never occurred to them that God may have provided the world with a vast array of very brainy medical types for the very reason of solving problems such as theirs. However, there is one thing that the medical profession cannot do and that is save people from being idiots.
Did you hear about Mark Sanford, the governor of South Carolina? He mysteriously disappeared last week and nobody knew where he was. Today, Sanford admitted to having an affair in Argentina. I'm like, great, now we're outsourcing mistresses.
In the 1970s vampires were pretty boring. The scariest vampire was Count Chocula. One bite of Count Chocula and you were cursed with Type 2 diabetes.
Today Monopoly added a new game piece: the cat. The new piece was chosen after weeks of online voting. Is that a surprise? Whenever there’s a vote for something on the Internet, the cat always wins.
Gas prices - it is $6 a gallon here. People in L.A. are furious. You can’t tell, of course, because of the Botox.
You know, your whole life you're concerned about money for this and that. And then you don't have to worry about it, so you worry about other stuff.
Being the executive producer of a film is not that difficult. It just means that you have some power. There's not a huge amount of skill involved, I don't know how much I'm giving away here. I feel like that guy on Fox, giving away the magicians' tricks. It's not rocket science, being an executive producer of a film.