Quotes & Jokes by Craig Ferguson / page 23

I love the United States. I have applied for citizenship. I want to take the oath of allegiance on TV.

The idea of having Australians upset at me is just awful.

Some people watching CNN were so shocked they started rioting. No, I’m kidding. No one watches CNN.

I think I'm just someone that just tries to get by. I'm kind of - if it was during the Second World War, I'd be a black marketeer, I think.

If Scotland and America go to war, I'm afraid I've already sworn in.

Wikipedia celebrates its 12th birthday today. Of course, I have no idea if it’s true. I read it on Wikipedia.

That's here on CBS, where the 'C' stands for 'Classy' and the 'BS' speaks for itself.

With good parody, you have to be smarter that the people you’re parodying.

I've got young kids, so it suits me to do a job which keeps me in town right now.

Here at CBS, spring also means March Madness. I love the name March Madness. I’m glad the PC police haven’t made us change March Madness to "early spring psychosis."

Last night, I got Chinese food and the fortune cookie said, ‘Where’s my money?’

If you watch cooking shows on cable, they have lots of British people. Because when you think good cooking, you immediately think Britain.

So far rich people have been very quiet about the possibility of getting taxes raised on them, but that doesn’t mean they won’t get mad about it, it just means they don’t know about it. Because it takes a while for bad news to reach a rich person. First their accountant has to tell the butler, who has to tell the servant, who wouldn’t dare interrupt their game of croquet.

Every day I ran to that book like it was a bottle of whiskey and crawled inside because it was a world that I had at least some control over, and slowly, in time, it began to take shape.

I watched the Republican debate. At one point, the candidates said there are no classes in America, a point then hotly debated by all six rich white guys that were there.