Quotes & Jokes by Craig Ferguson / page 23
I've got young kids, so it suits me to do a job which keeps me in town right now.
I think sometimes that people think brave means not being afraid, which of course it doesn't mean that at all. It means that you're afraid, but you move past that and do it anyway, do what you think is right.
Wikipedia celebrates its 12th birthday today. Of course, I have no idea if it’s true. I read it on Wikipedia.
Today Monopoly added a new game piece: the cat. The new piece was chosen after weeks of online voting. Is that a surprise? Whenever there’s a vote for something on the Internet, the cat always wins.
Last night, I got Chinese food and the fortune cookie said, ‘Where’s my money?’
In the 1970s vampires were pretty boring. The scariest vampire was Count Chocula. One bite of Count Chocula and you were cursed with Type 2 diabetes.
I think I'm just someone that just tries to get by. I'm kind of - if it was during the Second World War, I'd be a black marketeer, I think.
Some people watching CNN were so shocked they started rioting. No, I’m kidding. No one watches CNN.
It's all about the triumph of intellect and romance over brute force and cynicism.
That's here on CBS, where the 'C' stands for 'Classy' and the 'BS' speaks for itself.
Here at CBS, spring also means March Madness. I love the name March Madness. I’m glad the PC police haven’t made us change March Madness to "early spring psychosis."
I don't know now if I'm funny. I just keep talking and hope that I hit something that's funny.
Confession is a sacred rite enhanced by allegory, exaggeration, and lies.
The first day of spring is known as the "vernal equinox." The equinox is special. It only happens twice a year, like a good night in ratings for NBC.