Quotes & Jokes by Craig Ferguson / page 23

The idea of having Australians upset at me is just awful.

I love the United States. I have applied for citizenship. I want to take the oath of allegiance on TV.

Some people watching CNN were so shocked they started rioting. No, I’m kidding. No one watches CNN.

If Scotland and America go to war, I'm afraid I've already sworn in.

It's all about the triumph of intellect and romance over brute force and cynicism.

Last night, I got Chinese food and the fortune cookie said, ‘Where’s my money?’

Wikipedia celebrates its 12th birthday today. Of course, I have no idea if it’s true. I read it on Wikipedia.

I don't get emails from my corporate overlords.

That's here on CBS, where the 'C' stands for 'Classy' and the 'BS' speaks for itself.

I think I'm just someone that just tries to get by. I'm kind of - if it was during the Second World War, I'd be a black marketeer, I think.

I've got young kids, so it suits me to do a job which keeps me in town right now.

If you watch cooking shows on cable, they have lots of British people. Because when you think good cooking, you immediately think Britain.

Confession is a sacred rite enhanced by allegory, exaggeration, and lies.

So far rich people have been very quiet about the possibility of getting taxes raised on them, but that doesn’t mean they won’t get mad about it, it just means they don’t know about it. Because it takes a while for bad news to reach a rich person. First their accountant has to tell the butler, who has to tell the servant, who wouldn’t dare interrupt their game of croquet.

With good parody, you have to be smarter that the people you’re parodying.