Quotes & Jokes by Craig Ferguson / page 23

Last night, I got Chinese food and the fortune cookie said, ‘Where’s my money?’

I’m hooked on email. That’s right, kids, I’m one of you.

Here at CBS, spring also means March Madness. I love the name March Madness. I’m glad the PC police haven’t made us change March Madness to "early spring psychosis."

In the 1970s vampires were pretty boring. The scariest vampire was Count Chocula. One bite of Count Chocula and you were cursed with Type 2 diabetes.

Today Monopoly added a new game piece: the cat. The new piece was chosen after weeks of online voting. Is that a surprise? Whenever there’s a vote for something on the Internet, the cat always wins.

I watched the Republican debate. At one point, the candidates said there are no classes in America, a point then hotly debated by all six rich white guys that were there.

It's all about the triumph of intellect and romance over brute force and cynicism.

I think I'm just someone that just tries to get by. I'm kind of - if it was during the Second World War, I'd be a black marketeer, I think.

Wikipedia celebrates its 12th birthday today. Of course, I have no idea if it’s true. I read it on Wikipedia.

Some people watching CNN were so shocked they started rioting. No, I’m kidding. No one watches CNN.

Did you hear about Mark Sanford, the governor of South Carolina? He mysteriously disappeared last week and nobody knew where he was. Today, Sanford admitted to having an affair in Argentina. I'm like, great, now we're outsourcing mistresses.

I proved to my own satisfaction that I am madder than I think.

That's here on CBS, where the 'C' stands for 'Classy' and the 'BS' speaks for itself.

I don't know now if I'm funny. I just keep talking and hope that I hit something that's funny.

The first day of spring is known as the "vernal equinox." The equinox is special. It only happens twice a year, like a good night in ratings for NBC.