Quotes & Jokes by Craig Ferguson / page 23
I think sometimes that people think brave means not being afraid, which of course it doesn't mean that at all. It means that you're afraid, but you move past that and do it anyway, do what you think is right.
If Scotland and America go to war, I'm afraid I've already sworn in.
I love the United States. I have applied for citizenship. I want to take the oath of allegiance on TV.
It's all about the triumph of intellect and romance over brute force and cynicism.
Some people watching CNN were so shocked they started rioting. No, I’m kidding. No one watches CNN.
Last night, I got Chinese food and the fortune cookie said, ‘Where’s my money?’
That's here on CBS, where the 'C' stands for 'Classy' and the 'BS' speaks for itself.
So far rich people have been very quiet about the possibility of getting taxes raised on them, but that doesn’t mean they won’t get mad about it, it just means they don’t know about it. Because it takes a while for bad news to reach a rich person. First their accountant has to tell the butler, who has to tell the servant, who wouldn’t dare interrupt their game of croquet.
Wikipedia celebrates its 12th birthday today. Of course, I have no idea if it’s true. I read it on Wikipedia.
If you watch cooking shows on cable, they have lots of British people. Because when you think good cooking, you immediately think Britain.
I think I'm just someone that just tries to get by. I'm kind of - if it was during the Second World War, I'd be a black marketeer, I think.
Here at CBS, spring also means March Madness. I love the name March Madness. I’m glad the PC police haven’t made us change March Madness to "early spring psychosis."
I watched the Republican debate. At one point, the candidates said there are no classes in America, a point then hotly debated by all six rich white guys that were there.