Quotes & Jokes by Craig Ferguson / page 24
Confession is a sacred rite enhanced by allegory, exaggeration, and lies.
A lot of people come to L.A. looking for something. What I came here for, I realize now, is to be okay with myself.
I don't see my show as a stepping stone to something else like some people, who get a job then have a foot out the door looking for their next job.
All they teach you in drama school is how to do stage fights and be a pain in rehearsals.
HD doesn't mean anything to me. It's a technical thing. It's like demographics. A lot of people know about it.
For a while, some schools across the country were banning spelling bees. For obvious reasons, of course - steroids
With good parody, you have to be smarter that the people you’re parodying.
Climate change is a serious problem. We all need to do what we can. Unless that means I’ve got to change stuff. Then I’m not doing it.
I don't know what the fuck was going on with the Scottish education board in the 1970's. It was like: 'Do you like whiskey? Do you hate kids? The job's yours.'
Pies were invented 12,000 years ago by the Egyptians. It was an easy way to preserve food that would be carried over long distances. They were like ancient Slim Jims.
Being an American is something I wanted to be for a very long time, probably since I saw the moon landing when I was a child.
Like many of her sex, Sophie was fiercely competitive with other women, working on the crackpot theory that if she could be better in some way, men would like her more, respect her. Make her happy. She never cottoned on that the men she was attracted to, the men who found her attractive, didn’t like women.