Quotes & Jokes by Craig Ferguson / page 24
A lot of people come to L.A. looking for something. What I came here for, I realize now, is to be okay with myself.
Confession is a sacred rite enhanced by allegory, exaggeration, and lies.
I watched the Republican debate. At one point, the candidates said there are no classes in America, a point then hotly debated by all six rich white guys that were there.
I don't see my show as a stepping stone to something else like some people, who get a job then have a foot out the door looking for their next job.
According to a new study, our email is not as safe as we thought. How do they know this? They’ve been reading my email.
All they teach you in drama school is how to do stage fights and be a pain in rehearsals.
Every day I ran to that book like it was a bottle of whiskey and crawled inside because it was a world that I had at least some control over, and slowly, in time, it began to take shape.
Pies were invented 12,000 years ago by the Egyptians. It was an easy way to preserve food that would be carried over long distances. They were like ancient Slim Jims.
In Los Angeles on Black Friday, a woman pepper sprayed Wal-Mart shoppers who tried to cut in line. The police acted fast by immediately hiring her to get rid of peaceful protesters outside banking institutions all across the United States.
We are $14.3 trillion in debt, but the good news is we’ve got 14.3 trillion airline miles.
Being an American is something I wanted to be for a very long time, probably since I saw the moon landing when I was a child.