Quotes & Jokes by Craig Ferguson / page 24

All they teach you in drama school is how to do stage fights and be a pain in rehearsals.

I've got young kids, so it suits me to do a job which keeps me in town right now.

The first day of spring is known as the "vernal equinox." The equinox is special. It only happens twice a year, like a good night in ratings for NBC.

Confession is a sacred rite enhanced by allegory, exaggeration, and lies.

Pies were invented 12,000 years ago by the Egyptians. It was an easy way to preserve food that would be carried over long distances. They were like ancient Slim Jims.

I don't see my show as a stepping stone to something else like some people, who get a job then have a foot out the door looking for their next job.

A lot of people come to L.A. looking for something. What I came here for, I realize now, is to be okay with myself.

According to a new study, our email is not as safe as we thought. How do they know this? They’ve been reading my email.

I’m hooked on email. That’s right, kids, I’m one of you.

Always laugh second.

In Los Angeles on Black Friday, a woman pepper sprayed Wal-Mart shoppers who tried to cut in line. The police acted fast by immediately hiring her to get rid of peaceful protesters outside banking institutions all across the United States.

We are $14.3 trillion in debt, but the good news is we’ve got 14.3 trillion airline miles.

In honor of Earth Day, tonight’s program will be made up of 100 percent recycled jokes.

For a while, some schools across the country were banning spelling bees. For obvious reasons, of course - steroids

A friend of mine that I was in a band with started me on Kafka, which in turn led to Camus and Sartre.