Quotes & Jokes by Craig Ferguson / page 24

I proved to my own satisfaction that I am madder than I think.

I’m hooked on email. That’s right, kids, I’m one of you.

I don't see my show as a stepping stone to something else like some people, who get a job then have a foot out the door looking for their next job.

All they teach you in drama school is how to do stage fights and be a pain in rehearsals.

A lot of people come to L.A. looking for something. What I came here for, I realize now, is to be okay with myself.

With good parody, you have to be smarter that the people you’re parodying.

Pies were invented 12,000 years ago by the Egyptians. It was an easy way to preserve food that would be carried over long distances. They were like ancient Slim Jims.

HD doesn't mean anything to me. It's a technical thing. It's like demographics. A lot of people know about it.

Always laugh second.

For a while, some schools across the country were banning spelling bees. For obvious reasons, of course - steroids

A friend of mine that I was in a band with started me on Kafka, which in turn led to Camus and Sartre.

I'm careful with money.

Being an American is something I wanted to be for a very long time, probably since I saw the moon landing when I was a child.

Like many of her sex, Sophie was fiercely competitive with other women, working on the crackpot theory that if she could be better in some way, men would like her more, respect her. Make her happy. She never cottoned on that the men she was attracted to, the men who found her attractive, didn’t like women.

In Los Angeles on Black Friday, a woman pepper sprayed Wal-Mart shoppers who tried to cut in line. The police acted fast by immediately hiring her to get rid of peaceful protesters outside banking institutions all across the United States.