Quotes & Jokes by Craig Ferguson / page 25
In honor of Earth Day, tonight’s program will be made up of 100 percent recycled jokes.
Even though it’s warm here in L.A., people still have to wear layers - at least until their plastic surgery heals.
According to a new study, our email is not as safe as we thought. How do they know this? They’ve been reading my email.
A friend of mine that I was in a band with started me on Kafka, which in turn led to Camus and Sartre.
In Los Angeles on Black Friday, a woman pepper sprayed Wal-Mart shoppers who tried to cut in line. The police acted fast by immediately hiring her to get rid of peaceful protesters outside banking institutions all across the United States.
I would prefer as a viewer to watch the mistakes. I am my own blooper reel, as it happens.
So far rich people have been very quiet about the possibility of getting taxes raised on them, but that doesn’t mean they won’t get mad about it, it just means they don’t know about it. Because it takes a while for bad news to reach a rich person. First their accountant has to tell the butler, who has to tell the servant, who wouldn’t dare interrupt their game of croquet.
Researchers in Britain claim they have created a gel that prevents tooth decay. We’ve got this in America. It’s called “toothpaste.”
There's a commercial break coming and I'm very excited about it and you know why? Because that's what keeps daddy in suits.
He was in awe of the thirst that people had for someone to tell them that everything was going to be all right. He marveled at the gullibility and vulnerability of his fellow humans. No wonder the churches called them sheep. They were woolly-headed pack animals being herded around for the benefit of whoever knew how to control the dogs.
According to a new study, Hawaii is the happiest place in America to live. And I thought it was just a great place to pretend you were born in.
We are $14.3 trillion in debt, but the good news is we’ve got 14.3 trillion airline miles.
If you know anything about me - and, if you do, I’m sorry that your life turned out like that.