Quotes & Jokes by Craig Ferguson / page 25
For a while, some schools across the country were banning spelling bees. For obvious reasons, of course - steroids
According to a new study, Hawaii is the happiest place in America to live. And I thought it was just a great place to pretend you were born in.
In Los Angeles on Black Friday, a woman pepper sprayed Wal-Mart shoppers who tried to cut in line. The police acted fast by immediately hiring her to get rid of peaceful protesters outside banking institutions all across the United States.
There's a commercial break coming and I'm very excited about it and you know why? Because that's what keeps daddy in suits.
I don't know what the fuck was going on with the Scottish education board in the 1970's. It was like: 'Do you like whiskey? Do you hate kids? The job's yours.'
A friend of mine that I was in a band with started me on Kafka, which in turn led to Camus and Sartre.
Even though it’s warm here in L.A., people still have to wear layers - at least until their plastic surgery heals.
Like many of her sex, Sophie was fiercely competitive with other women, working on the crackpot theory that if she could be better in some way, men would like her more, respect her. Make her happy. She never cottoned on that the men she was attracted to, the men who found her attractive, didn’t like women.
Climate change is a serious problem. We all need to do what we can. Unless that means I’ve got to change stuff. Then I’m not doing it.
Researchers in Britain claim they have created a gel that prevents tooth decay. We’ve got this in America. It’s called “toothpaste.”
I would prefer as a viewer to watch the mistakes. I am my own blooper reel, as it happens.
If you know anything about me - and, if you do, I’m sorry that your life turned out like that.
I don't want to be poor. I don't want to be rich to the extent that all I care about is keeping my job. I don't care enough about keeping my job right now. That's good. That makes effective at what I do. I don't want to be frightened of getting fired. So to that end I suppose my ambitions are that I spend less than I earn.