Quotes & Jokes by Craig Ferguson / page 25
Climate change is a serious problem. We all need to do what we can. Unless that means I’ve got to change stuff. Then I’m not doing it.
Even though it’s warm here in L.A., people still have to wear layers - at least until their plastic surgery heals.
According to a new study, our email is not as safe as we thought. How do they know this? They’ve been reading my email.
I don't know what the fuck was going on with the Scottish education board in the 1970's. It was like: 'Do you like whiskey? Do you hate kids? The job's yours.'
In honor of Earth Day, tonight’s program will be made up of 100 percent recycled jokes.
There's a commercial break coming and I'm very excited about it and you know why? Because that's what keeps daddy in suits.
I would prefer as a viewer to watch the mistakes. I am my own blooper reel, as it happens.
So far rich people have been very quiet about the possibility of getting taxes raised on them, but that doesn’t mean they won’t get mad about it, it just means they don’t know about it. Because it takes a while for bad news to reach a rich person. First their accountant has to tell the butler, who has to tell the servant, who wouldn’t dare interrupt their game of croquet.
Researchers in Britain claim they have created a gel that prevents tooth decay. We’ve got this in America. It’s called “toothpaste.”
He was in awe of the thirst that people had for someone to tell them that everything was going to be all right. He marveled at the gullibility and vulnerability of his fellow humans. No wonder the churches called them sheep. They were woolly-headed pack animals being herded around for the benefit of whoever knew how to control the dogs.
I know that's not the right accent, but I can't do the right accent. It's either the wrong accent or another Octomom joke.
According to a new study, Hawaii is the happiest place in America to live. And I thought it was just a great place to pretend you were born in.
I don't want to be poor. I don't want to be rich to the extent that all I care about is keeping my job. I don't care enough about keeping my job right now. That's good. That makes effective at what I do. I don't want to be frightened of getting fired. So to that end I suppose my ambitions are that I spend less than I earn.