Quotes & Jokes about Asians

If you're Filipino, you're the beaner of the Asian community 'cause you're just like us. You're indigenous people that got banged by some Spaniards. That's why you have names like Kwan Ping Del Toro.

I hate you, Google. You've caused a lot of problems in my relationship. I share a computer with my girlfriend and she would look up anything. "I'm going to look up apples today." She just hits 'A.' It's "Asian ass porn" instantly. Google is, like, "I'll take it from here. I know exactly what you're looking up... Well, every time you hit 'A,' it's 'Asian ass porn.'" Google! All I ask is that you let her type three letters before you jump to such a bold conclusion. It's bad enough that I'm clearing my history every three hours and changing my passwords. I'm trying to have an honest relationship, and you are fucking my shit up!

Even if he is your friend, never, ever call an Asian person.

Out of nowhere she tells me that Oliver Stone - you know, the director - she's like, 'He has this huge Asian fetish, and I find it totally offensive.' And I'm like, 'Why, Kwan? That sounds awesome.' She's like, 'I'm offended because I'm Asian.' And I was just like, 'Well, I'm sorry, but I didn't even notice that. I thought you were just really tired.'

This is why the terrorists hate us. And it’s not the glitter and it’s not the pomp and circumstance. We’ve got black and white, we’ve got Hispanic and Asian, we got gay, straight, and Guttenberg, all working together for one common goal: to get the mirror ball. And the mirror ball doesn’t care what color you are, and it doesn’t care how rich your parents are, and it doesn’t care what God you pray to. It’s an even wooden floor, and may the best man or woman win. And I say God bless Dancing with the Stars, and God bless the USA.

I’m an Asian with a Southern accent. To a lot of people, that right there is funny.

Be happy with your stereotype. Asians - that's the stereotype I want. Being the smartest person in the world? You're the smartest, what are you complaining about? You know what I get? 'Wassup?'

Asians are nice people, but they burn a lot of shirts.

If I see an Asian person and I’m like: “Where you from?” and they’re like “Connecticut”. I’m like, “You know what I’m talking about".

I try not to represent just Asians. Instead, I try to expose our culture to everyone through humor & performance; Hoping that we will be a part of each other and more so a part of everything in a positive light

And if you made a factor tree of the factors that caused my girl to leave me you'd have a tree... Full of Asian porn.

Are their Asian girls here?! Minority report!

I was on the highway - I saw the scariest thing in the world, man. I saw an Asian driving an SUV. Really, I just drove my car right into the guardrail, figured I'd save him some time.

The New York Times - but the whole country gives it that weight. It's like the Asian kid in math class. Everybody in the media cheats off The New York Times.

My comedy has no color, it’s for everybody, black, white, Latino, Asian. It’s not a pro-black show, not a def jam show; it’s just straight, wholesome type of humor.