Quotes & Jokes about Heaven / page 2

Did you know that Dog Heaven and Cat Hell were the same place?

'I was in heaven and I was in hell, believe in neither but fear them as well'... damn! Were you really in heaven and were you in hell? Here on earth or did you visit another land? This fucking jerk off…

If warm air rises, Heaven could be hotter than Hell.

I’m driving down the highway, there’s a guy hitchhiking he’s holding a sign that says ‘heaven’. So i hit him.

Just ten of the Jewish billionaires on this earth have more than enough to transform the occupied territories into heaven. We can put the 'pal' back in Palestinian.

If you thought Stairway to Heaven was a long song, dear god you should listen to it played on a lute.

In the new world every position of power evacuated by an arrested and beheaded pedophile or bankster will be filled with a grandmother who has pledged to create heaven on earth for all children, animal and humans with the stolen money we have recovered.

When an evil masochist dies, does he go to hell, or would heaven be a better punishment?

You know a religion has no sense of humor, when a guy can stand up and say, ‘you know, if you commit suicide for Allah, after you die you will be met in heaven by 70 virgins,' and nobody in the room just goes, 'Ahahaha! Son of a bitch! That was great!'

And don't put a rose in my hand. Put a slim-jim in it. Send me to heaven with a slim-jim!

It's a match made in heaven... by a retarded angel.

What if you died, and you found out that when you died, we all went to the same place. No Heaven, no Hell, doesn't matter what you did in life - you all go to the same place, regardless. I know a lot of nice people who will be really pissed off. You'll see Gandhi arguing with the doorman.

I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed.

I wish I could know everything ever, like that would be my wish - that's what I hope heaven is, that they tell you who shot JFK and all that stuff.

Fifty Shades Of Grey proved you can write about a dude choking women and shoving stuff up their butts but heaven forbid if you tell a legitimate joke about it. Sure I doubled the number of feminists who hate me, but I also doubled the number of shows I have on TV. No regrets.