Stand-Up Comedians' Quotes and Jokes about Baseball

40 quotes

Yeah we’re not together anymore. She has got - she has got a new boyfriend now. They just moved into together. And I’ve heard rumors that he is abusive, which makes you want to go over there with a baseball bat. And then blame it on her boyfriend.

Once I beat up the school bully with a baseball bat. Both his arms were completely broken, which gave me the courage.

Baseball is a nineteenth-century pastoral game. Football is a twentieth-century technological struggle.

The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying, "Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses." She's got a baseball bat and yelling, "You want a piece of me?"

Cricket is basically baseball on valium.

If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?

"Losing builds character." You know who said that? A loser! Guy who got his ass stomped every day, basketball, football, baseball, lose, lose, lose and lose. All right, I'm talking about me.

You know how you speed up baseball? Everybody gets one swing. That's it one swing fuck you, you're out sit down!

Baseball is very big with my people. It figures. It's the only way we can get to shake a bat at a white man without starting a riot.

Everyone has an enemy. It’s why God gave us baseball bats. Well, He gave us trees, but we knew what He meant.

This guy from L. A. sits down next to me, and he says "you like baseball?" I said, "Oh, man, I love baseball." So he goes "Did you know that if Jesus had played ball, he'd have been the greatest ball player ever?" Like I'm gonna argue with that logic. So I sat there for a second, and then I said "did you know that if Babe Ruth had been the Messiah, the Catholics would have beer and hot dogs at Communion?" He left.

My dad and I, we used to play baseball. I was the catcher. Which I liked. Until one day, I saw this game on TV, and I said, "Hang on, how come their catcher doesn't have his hands tied to his ankles?"

Bill Gates has 90 billion dollars. If I had 90 billion dollars, I wouldn't have it for long because I would just dream of all the crazy stuff I could do with it. This guy, 90 billion dollars. He could buy every baseball team and make them all wear dresses and still have 88 billion dollars.

I think you should defend to the death their right to march, and then go down and meet them with baseball bats.

Basically I am a low-culture person. I prefer watching baseball with a beer and some meatballs.