Stand-Up Comedians' Quotes and Jokes about New Year


New Year's Eve, where auld acquaintance be forgot. Unless, of course, those tests come back positive.

On New Year's Eve, people in New Jersey stay up 'til midnight and watch their hopes drop.

I bought my son a bat for Christmas. On New Year’s it flew away.

I know what I'm giving up for Lent: my New Year's resolutions.

A review of studies by physicians found that excessive exercise is bad for your heart. Another study says a daily serving of chocolate is actually good for your heart. That's got to make next year New Year's resolution easier to keep. "I'm going to exercise less. Eat a little more chocolate."

I got to tell you, I really appreciate Ron for being a part of this. He had to leave a New Year's Eve party to be here tonight. I'm not saying Ron drinks, but I hugged him and my vision is blurry.

New Year's Eve never made sense to me because of the fear I suddenly had about the following minute.

I like to work on New Year's Eve. It has a nice spirit; a nice feel about it. If you are all about the 'year-end' thing at all, then laughing with fellow human beings is a great way to start the new year.

What you do for Jewish New Year is you go down to Times Square... It's a lot quieter than the regular New Year. It's just a few Jews walking around going, "'sup?"