Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1028
Senator John McCain, who spent over five years in a Vietnamese POW camp, publicly releases 1,000 pages of medical records. Now people are left with only one nagging question: what kind of a freak has 1,000 pages of medical records.
When you are doing stand-up comedy, you are the writer, producer, director, sometimes bouncer.
When you're accustomed to doing stand-up, so often you're the only person onstage and it's all your thing. It's very gladiatorial. Obviously, when you're in a scene with somebody, you're supposed to listen and react - and that's a bit of a transition.
Writing books isn’t a drastic departure from writing for the stage.
If you think a turtleneck is key ingredient for soup, you might be a redneck.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
If you mention to a woman that the song is disgusting and mysoginistic, they all give you the same answer: "He ain't talking 'bout me!" Smack her with a dick, smack her with a dick … He said your name! "No, he didn't!" Smack her with a dick, smack her with a dick …
Every Sunday my dad calls to ask if I went to church. And every Sunday I lie and say: "Sorry. Wrong Number."
I've said before that working with Larry is kind of like watching the Jerry Springer Show. After about five minutes, you will feel better about your own family.
If I need directions, I’m not asking a man with one tooth. I’m asking a man with one leg. Because he definitely knows the easiest way to get there.
I try to think up material that might apply to the subjects they are studying. How many mitochondria does it take to power a cell? One. Because mitochondria are the powerhouse of the cell. Not ready for prime time, that one.