Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1028

It would be great if people never got angry at someone for doing something they've done themselves.

You might be a redneck if your car has never had a full tank of gas.

Chocolate covered peanuts, chocolate covered raisins, chocolate covered pretzels... Chocolate. So afraid to be alone.

In America, we like everyone to know about the good work we're doing anonymously.

They used to have a smoking section at the airport. No more. They now have these glass-encased rooms. You’re not just a smoker, you’re an example to other people. You’re an exhibit at a futuristic zoo. You’re in a nicotine terrarium. There ought to be a sign that says, “The addict in his natural environment.”

You can’t become tempted if you just give in a little quicker.

Once you've been an astronaut and you've gone on a mission, doesn't the rest of your life just add up to one big disappointment after another? What are their daily lives like? ‘Golly gee, I caught a fish! Ha ha! This reminds me of that time I walked on the fucking moon!’

As far as exercising goes... watch for my next book, How I died while Jogging.

I do think the patriotic thing to do is to critique my country. How else do you make a country better but by pointing out its flaws?

Personally, I never drink on Oscar nights, as it interferes with my suffering.

You might be a redneck if... your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.

You don't need a critic to tell you people aren't laughing.

It's really the kids that do you in. We have two kids. That's fucking stupid. Don't do that.

“How do you know he wasn’t being sincere, Arj?”

The revolution I was starting where I thought I could yell at 200 people in a bar every night and change the world didn't quite happen.