Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1028

I am an observer, I like to watch people. I am into psychology and people - how they act and such.

It's a weird sensation to be mad and learning at the same time.

You might be a redneck if your wedding was held in the delivery room.

I moved recently and I moved my cable and Internet and phone service which was all provided by Time Warner Cable. And you know, I made a plan with them where they'd come sometime between summer solstice and winter solstice and I would wait.

The laughs are honestly bigger, ... They are the kind of unexpected belly laughs you get with your friends during conversation.

Bing Crosby and I weren't the types to go around kissing each other. We always had a light jab for each other. One of our stock lines used to be "There's nothing I wouldn't do for Bing, and there's nothing he wouldn't do for me. And that's the way we go through life - doing nothing for each other!

As far as exercising goes... watch for my next book, How I died while Jogging.

I would start a revolution, but I just bought a hammock

You don't need a critic to tell you people aren't laughing.

I say it with my tongue firmly planted in cheek but there's truth to it - being a comedian is very close to being a therapist. When you're working smaller clubs, you're listening. You're feeling an energy, you're going with a tone but when people start yelling out, you almost start a conversation with people.

Everything that’s difficult you should be able to laugh about.

Yeah, apparently chasing a bus uses different muscles than sitting and eating.

I will not bond. I will not share. I refuse to nurture.

If you want to get rid of stuff, you can always do a good spring-cleaning. Or you can do what I do. Move.

People tell you to have a safe trip, as if you have some control over it.