Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1028

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

When you and your friends are just hanging out, you don't consider your buddies to have one specific style of comedy, you just like to shoot the shit, and whatever is funny works. And that's my mentality on stage. I don't care to be like "I'm the performer. Sit, listen, and laugh." I want it to feel like we're all just hanging out. And that's how I tell my stories.

You're so good looking I can barely keep my eyes on the meter.

I reject the idea there are just two sides. I think that with the amount of ideas and thoughts there are, it’s not even going to be consistent with the same person. People can hold liberal and conservative dogma points at the same time. They’re not living their lives via platforms. They’re living their lives. The whole thing is an awfully tired construct.

Love is too weak a word for what I feel - I luuurve you, you know, I loave you, I luff you, two F's, yes.

I look at anything in nature and how things work-the stars, the pyramids-and I can't imagine that there's not some kind of design to it all. There's got to be something big that we don't understand. I do believe in Jesus. I believe in being good to one another. Life is about spending our time here contributing and not taking away. That's my faith.

You think I'm overdressed? This is just my slip.

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

You wake up and you're still a little drunk and you can't believe that hot girl from last night actually has a beard and a penis.

I love when you get boner spam for boner pills and the subject is "Be a better lover". Oh, the boner was the problem on that? That’s why I’m a bad lover? Do you have a pill that’s gonna make me care if she cums? That would be a medical miracle.

To me the goal of comedy is to just laugh, which is a really high hearted thing, visceral connection and reaction.

Today is a brand new day. A day of change, of promise, of creativity, of kindness, and of love. I'm going back to bed.

Its not easy being a man you know. I had to get dressed today… and there are other pressures.

I can tell how lonely I am by how easily I’m fooled by a mannequin in a store.

Once in his life, every man is entitled to fall madly in love with a gorgeous redhead.