Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1027

Big, skinny, regular size it doesn’t matter as long as your young.

I feel like every first episode of a TV show is bad, you know, and it always improves.

I became a terrible drunk or alcoholic - or a good one depending on your point of view.

There's something weird, something phenomenally dreary about Christian singing. The Gospel singers are the only singers that just go crazy, joyous and it's fucking amazing! And it's born out of kidnapping, imprisonment, slavery, murder, all of that - and this joyous singing!

And now that you have a child you have to clean up your act, 'cause you can't drink anymore. You can't come home drunk and go, "Hey, here`s a little switch: Daddy's gonna throw up on you!"

I love autumn in New York City: The yellows, the browns, and the rust - and that’s just the drinking water... Here in New York City, the leaves turn - and run.

People watch TV on their laptops. I got the laptop, this has made me so lazy, this is ruining my life. I don't even turn off mine anymore. Do you? I just close mine. I can't be bothered with all that "Shutdown? Are you sure?" Questions, questions!

I've heard lots of people lie to themselves but they never fool anyone.

If you don't do any self-examinations or see a doctor ever, you'll live forever. That's how you do it. The diagnosis is what gets you. You just have a don't ask, don't tell policy with any and all bodily functions.

Fear can be a great motivator, just not during foreplay.

(In response to ‘Things You’re Unlikely to Hear on a Quiz Show’) “Look at what you could have won, if you went to school.”

I was at peace with it; I'd taken his hatred and insecurity-driven malice and turned it into fame, money, and of course, pussy.

(On the Edinburgh Festival) I must get some kind of masochistic pleasure out of it. But I have no idea why I go there. No idea at all.

It's easier to cancel a show if it's expensive.

I'd like to die like my father died... My father died fucking. My father was 57 when he died. The woman was 18. My father came and went at the same time.