Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1027
(In response to ‘Things You’re Unlikely to Hear on a Quiz Show’) “Look at what you could have won, if you went to school.”
I was at peace with it; I'd taken his hatred and insecurity-driven malice and turned it into fame, money, and of course, pussy.
The other night I woke up, she was saying sexy things. She was on the phone.
You might be a redneck if you've ever been arrested for loitering.
Life is too short to waste your time, energy and love on a fucking asshole.
Cotton candy is the perfect snack for when I’m in the mood to eat dry, scratchy fabric.
Oh, he was probably a member of the National Rifle Association. It was a group that helped criminals get guns so they could shoot citizens. It was a public service.
You might be a redneck if there are more than five McDonald's bags currently on the floorboard of your car.
If you come home to a household of chaos and anger and fear, you're not going to feel protected from the world.
Being a teenager is the worst thirty years of your life. But it all changes after that. You get a great car, a great job. You got a wife, kids, you got your health. But then your company is sold out from under you, your stocks tank, your wife's sleeping with the gardener and your teenage daughter is pregnant. And you notice that you have a prostate so hard, you can actually take a hammer to it. But hey, not one zit.
Funny is only something that others know about you - you can't be funny by yourself.
Many people are surprised to hear that we have comedians in Russia, but they are there. They are dead, but they are there.
They used to have a smoking section at the airport. No more. They now have these glass-encased rooms. You’re not just a smoker, you’re an example to other people. You’re an exhibit at a futuristic zoo. You’re in a nicotine terrarium. There ought to be a sign that says, “The addict in his natural environment.”