Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1027
Someday I'd like to be a father, not of a human child, but something more reasonable.
Damn! This flight attendant treating us like we won these first class tickets in a contest.
Herman Cain was unaware that China is a nuclear power. And I said to myself, "Hey, Herman, how about making an unwanted advance on a history book?"
I think that women just have a primeval instinct to make soup, which they will try to foist on anybody who looks like a likely candidate.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
As Global Warming raises temparatures, it takes longer to cool pies on window sills, and I wonder if this whole thing was caused by hobos.
When the stripper jumped out of the giant cake, everyone got excited. But then when she jumped into the regular-size cake, everyone got confused.
Texas is a hell hole, man. Dirt, cactus, lizards, dirt, cactus, the Bush family...
The auction houses seemed not as dull as their financial counterparts on Wall Street, where parents of daughters imagined glass celings and bottom patting.
The lord works in mysterious ways. Indeed. And a shorter way to say that is: God is a sneak.
I want you to think back to when you were a kid. Remember the day you learned you could burn ants with a magnifying glass? Oh, what a great day that was! You got to be God. You decided who lived, who died. I must've burned ants for an hour, just laughing. Then I saw one on my arm. Let me tell you something, when you burn yourself with a magnifying glass, you're on your own. You can't even tell your mom, because she gives that face, "Oh, he is that stupid."