Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1027

I'd rather be wrong than think I'm right and bug people.

As I stand in line at southwest I feel the urge to moo really loud or scream.

Senator John McCain, who spent over five years in a Vietnamese POW camp, publicly releases 1,000 pages of medical records. Now people are left with only one nagging question: what kind of a freak has 1,000 pages of medical records.

Talk is what you suffer through so you can get to sex.

I love being on stage if I'm not on a set. If I'm at home, I'm usually in my office editing or reconstructing my website or whatever it may be. I just love putting creativity into a performance, so if the right script comes along, and I certainly am reading comedies and dramas now, then I'm ready willing and able to give it a shot.

If it is now socially acceptable for women to get fake boobs and fake lips and fake noses, why the fuck can't I get antlers?

Then there's the in-between, not a lipstick lesbian, not a butch dyke. I think that is what I'd be, a sweatpants lesbian.

Drum Competitions are called such because no one wants to win the big Beat Off.

“How do you know he wasn’t being sincere, Arj?”

Pseudoscience describes theories that sound like science but are actually just made up, like aromatherapy or biorhythms or love.

If you think a turtleneck is key ingredient for soup, you might be a redneck.

I also try to think of ways to articulate the joke more economically.

I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!

It's like being the National Guard, we may not be seeing as much action as the front line, but we are living to fight another day.

I wrote a script, and I gave it to a guy who reads scripts, and he really likes it, but he thinks I need to rewrite it. I said, "Screw that, I'll just make a copy!"